Susan Sarandon Queerbaits, Ellen Page Tries To Save Roller Derby
Plus a lesbian model heiress and trans YouTuber are in love!
Susan Sarandon’s sexuality is up for grabs
Susan Sarandon continues to be your Mom’s drunk, “free-spirited” friend. During an interview with Pride Source, Sarandon was asked about her sexuality. Now, other outlets are going to tease you. They are going to imply Sarandon is bi or pan or fluid because of the following exchange. I urge, NAY, IMPLORE, you to read it yourself. From Pride Source:
“Is your sexuality more or less rigid these days? Basically, should we be welcoming you to the family?”
(Laughs) Well, I'm a serial monogamist, so I haven't really had a large dating career. I married Chris Sarandon when I was 20, and that went on for quite a while—each of my relationships have. I haven't exactly been in the midst of a lot of offers of any kind. I'm still not! I don't know what's going on! (Laughs) But I think back in the '60s it just was much more open.
Are you open regarding your sexuality?
Yeah, I'm open. My sexual orientation is up for grabs, I guess you could say. (Laughs)”
THIS MEANS NOTHING, PEOPLE. NOTHING. Also: what kind of idiot question is “Are you open regarding your sexuality?” That question asks nothing and was answered in kind. You came here eager to learn that cool Aunt Susan is down to make out AND smoke a blunt. Well, I am mean and I am here to dispense with that delusion. This is classic queerbaiting. Never trust a gay man interviewing a straight actress about sex. They can’t help themselves. Still extremely excited to watch Sarandon in The Feud.
Amanda Knox rejected a lesbian in prison
“I noticed her immediately: petite, with a paunchy belly and short, dark hair,” is Knox’s first description of the lesbian inmate. Wow. It’s rare to open a profile by describing the distribution of your subject’s fat. The rather clinical piece focuses on why heterosexual women form homosexual relationships in prison and uses Knox’s experience as a kicking off point. Knox’s lesbian relationship wasn’t a relationship at all. She befriended a lesbian inmate, the lesbian hit on her, Knox rejected her and ended the friendship. It’s one long “no homo.”
Kristen Stewart and her GF wore ripped jeans on Valentine’s Day
Stewart also watched Maxwell walk in Tommy Hilfiger's fashion show last week.
Cartoonists made a Frozen inspired lesbian fairytale and then ruined it
Two happy magic queens lived happily until TRAGEDY STRUCK. Instead of creating a sweet cartoon, the (male, obvs) creator of this little gem (and by gem I mean gravel) decided to go for the cloying after school special approach to lesbian relationships. The women are torn apart by unapproving townsfolk and spend the rest of their days wandering sadly, “never again to meet... In this life.” Even cartoon lesbian characters must die alone. It’s the law.The headline PinkNews gave this video was “Watch: The beautiful lesbian fairytale Disney would never make.” Which is true, thank God. Disney tries to please audiences, not render them suicidal.
Ruby Rose looked back on years of ugly couple outfits
In an adorably self-deprecating Valentine’s Day post, Ruby Rose made a collage of her and girlfriend Jessica in ugly outfits over the years.
Lesbian superhero Batwoman is back
Megan Rapinoe stars in Nike “Equality” ad
Nike released a new ad that celebrates equality and features Megan Rapinoe alongside Serena Williams. Here’s what the voiceover (narrated by Lebron James) says:
“Is this the land history promised?
This field of play.
Where the dream of fairness and mutual respect lives on.
Where you are defined by actions, not your looks and beliefs.
For too long these ideals have taken refuge inside these lines.
Equality should have no boundaries.
The bond between players should exist between people.
Opportunity should be indiscriminate.
Worth should outshine color.
The ball should bounce the same for everyone.
If we can be equals here, we can be equals everywhere.”
On The Real Housewives of Atlanta, nobody and everybody is a lesbian
In a bizarre, forced plot twist, several cast members of Bravo’s Real Housewives of Atlanta are accusing each other of lesbianism. Yes. Porsha Williams and Kandi Burruss confronted each other on Sunday night’s episode with the help of Marlo Hampton. Apparently, Porsha had been going around saying that Kandi was a closeted lesbian. Hampton asked Kandi point blank. Kandi denied, saying, “I truly love my husband and I truly love his dick, okay? I’m very much married and happy with my man.” Then Hampton called out Williams for spreading the rumor. Williams initially denied it, then admitted that while she hadn’t called Kandi a lesbian, she had implied Kandi was a lesbian, but it was just shade because Kandi had made a comment about her. Isn’t it fun when straight women use “lesbian” as a petty insult?
THEN. Then. Things became moderately more interesting. Kandi acknowledged to having sexual experiences with women, saying, “As far as like women situation, if you really want to know — yes I have tried it. But believe me — I’m not the only one at this table who has. I’ve never done anything more than [Williams] has done. Let’s be clear on that.”
So both Kandi and Porsha have hooked up with women, but neither want to talk about it, but both want to talk about the other one hooking up with women. Doesn’t that make perfect sense? Isn’t this super easy to understand? Later, Kandi went even further, saying [of Porsha] “I mean, she’s definitely hooked up with women — definitely... If she gets drunk, she becomes an aggressive lesbian. Like seriously. Until you’re ready to speak your truth, and be true to who you are, don’t do it boo. Don’t do it.” Then Kandi and Porsha traded threats to expose each other, which they have already done, for hooking up with women, which nobody cares about. I have a feeling everything I just wrote is stupid and makes no sense. Just like Kandi and Porsha.
Ellen DeGeneres takes home 3 People's Choice Awards, makes history
Ellen DeGeneres now has more People’s Choice Awards than anyone, ever! At Wednesday’s Ceremony, Degeneres won three: Favorite Daytime TV Host ("The Ellen DeGeneres Show"), Favorite Animated Movie Voice ("Finding Dory") and Favorite Comedic Collaboration ("Mall Mischief" with Britney Spears), giving Degeneres a career total of 20 People’s Choice Awards.
Check out Amandla Stenberg’s in the first ‘Everything, Everything’ trailer
The Hunger Games alum scored her first leading lady role as a “hermetic illness struck 18-year-old” who is kept housebound by her protective mother. She also shaved her head.
Queen Latifah is producing a Bible-themed television show
It’s called The Scroll and reimagines popular Biblical stories in present day. Sounds boring!
Evan Rachel Wood is in a music video
Wood directed and starred in the music video for 'Lightning Look,’ a new single from Wood’s band, Rebel and a Basketcase. She stars alongside Zach Villa, Wood’s bandmate, and new fiance.
Lesbian couple, drag queens feature in family ad campaign for phone company
A German phone company made a family themed ad that included a lesbian couple.
Gigi Gorgeous opened up on transformation from gay man to a trans lesbian
She is now dating Natalia Getty, model and great-granddaughter of oil tycoon J. Paul Getty. Or, as they’re calling model heiresses now, “an activist.” I’m super stoked that Gigi Gorgeous is finding her truth through showing at Sundance, but I’m more taken by the realization that there’s a goddamn OIL HEIRESS MODEL LESBIAN just lurking about and I’m only now realizing. I thought Nats Getty was just a model. But heiress? And oil heiress? Arguably the best kind of heiress? Or at the very least, the shiniest. In addition to being wealthy, beautiful, and photogenic, Nats Getty designs leather jackets that say Strike Oil, in reference to when her ancestors were sucking up that black gold while mine were laying around eating olives and killing Ottomans on Greece’s sole ugly island. The romance of an oil heiress-model leather jacket embellisher and a trans makeup artist YouTuber sounds like a rejected Gossip Girl plotline and I will be covering it extensively. It’s the perfect kind of pointless.
St. Vincent's Annie Clark doesn't like horror films, makes a great one
Annie Clark directed a horror short for an all-female horror anthology. Esquire interviewed her.
Ellen Page joins castmates from 'Whip It' to help save the L.A. Derby Dolls
The Derby Dolls are in trouble! With Ellen Page’s help, can they win against the increasing costs of strident permit regulations or whatnot I really didn’t read this too closely.
Trashy British reality stars fake a lesbian relationship
People are still going on about a lil joke the papers started in the first place 😩wow Yous have far to much time on Ya hands ,get over it 😳— chantelle connelly (@ChantelleGShore) February 11, 2017
Remember when I talked about the perfect kind of pointless? Well, this is the imperfect, wrong kind of pointless. For the *second* time in one week (see: RHOA above), there is faux lesbianism in reality land. This instance comes from England, the land of Shakespeare, the birthplace my mother tongue. Classy English people are fancier than Americans can ever hope to be. But wow. When British people are trashy they’d give Snooki the clap.
OK SO: faux-titted reality strumpets Chantelle Connelly and Jemma Lucy are friends. For a short period of time, they pretended to date. Then, they revealed it was all a hoax to cash in on the attention.
Right now, you’re probably expecting me to go on another long rant about straight people re-appropriating the gay experience for profit etc etc. However, I don’t really want to. These people created a crass publicity stunt and then owned up to it. Instead of being mad, I’m refreshed by their honesty. I mean, these people are idiots, but they’re ultimately real. And real respect real. Give me a real fake person over a fake real person any day. This makes no sense. I need to move on.
WHY ARE LESBIANS SO MEAN AND OBSOLETE?
Is it because:
Sexuality is fluid
Lesbians are Steve Bannon with tits
Queer is better!
All of the above
Ding Ding if you picked E, all of the above, you are correct! You win the loathing and enmity of others in the LGBTQ community.This is one of many navel-gazing think pieces about the flaws and irrelevance of gay women. There are few, if any, such pieces on gay men. When it comes to inclusivity, I'd love the LGBTQ community to hold gay men to the same high standards they hold gay women. Yes: lesbians should be open and welcoming the trans, queer, bi, and nonbinary brethren. But why must women ALWAYS be the ones found lacking? This whole article (and recurring narrative) reeks of misogyny. Boys will be boys but lesbians are bitches. The persistent narrative is that lesbians are mean, transphobic, biphobic, irrelevant, and backwards. To some degree, this has always been the truth. Yet now the lesbophobic narrative is coming from inside, rather than outside, the LGBTQ community.
The hideously ironic reality is that lesbians open themselves up to a lot of this criticism because we do try. Lesbians events become queer, trans-inclusive events. Events for gay men are just gay. Lesbian spaces try to be inclusive, but still appeal mostly to lesbians, and therefore are a betrayal of lesbians to the queer/trans community.
It’s that thing women do when we try our hardest to make everyone happy and in the process make nobody happy. I would argue that gay women (in general) have tried far harder than gay men to be inclusive of other identities, and have been relentlessly criticized at every step. Lesbians are vilified for not being perfect, gay men are given a pass because they don’t even pretend to care.
So what can we learn from gay men, our better-liked brothers in old school homosexuality? Simple: if you don’t want to fail at inclusivity or intersectionality, don’t try at all.