Dating with disaster

Sarah Leeves shares the rules of dating etiquette, learned the hard way.


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We've all had our fair share of dating disasters; the dates we will remember forever for all the wrong reasons. Remember the time you ordered the pesto spaghetti and managed to spill it down your top, get bits stuck in your teeth and choke on the pasta all in the space of three mouthfuls? Yeah, she didn't ever call you back did she? Apparently having your back slapped by an enthusiastic waiter whilst coughing up bits of spaghetti and basil isn't attractive. Who knew.

 

The point is everyone has to go through their fair share of bloody awful dates to find out the acceptable rules of dating etiquette. These are usually spread out over a series of dates with at least two different people but, in my case, my 'date' managed to break all of the rules over one evening. Read and learn, ladies.

 

1. DON'T LOOK TOO KEEN

Having been in lectures all day, I turn on my phone to receive three text messages from a girl I met at work... once. She wants to take me for a drink but I'm really tired and try to rearrange. She is having none of it and continues to text me until I relent and agree to meet her for ONE drink. After agreeing a time and place, she then continues to message me letting me know she has left her house, is on her way, telling me it's cold and that she is looking forward to it; I've already decided not to tell this one where I live.

 

2. IF YOU ASK A GIRL OUT, MAYBE PAY FOR SOMETHING

I arrive at the pub looking rough, I won't lie; it's been a long day. She offers me a drink and we approach the bar, ordering two large glasses of wine. Once the price is announced, she casually drops into conversation that she has forgotten her wallet. Wow, I can't wait for date number two when she forgets to turn up.

 

3. DON'T MENTION YOUR EX…MUCH…IF AT ALL

If questioned, I could tell you about her ex, her ex's family, her ex's hobbies, her ex's current location (probably to the nearest hundred metres), her ex's pets and her ex's last trip to Nando's… not sure on hair colour though, that wasn't made clear.

 

4. WHEN YOUR DATE IS IN THE LOO, IT IS NOT OK TO CHAT UP OTHER WOMEN

Now, I would have thought this one was a no brainer, but clearly not. After I had caught my 'date' chatting up the very straight and obviously quite intimidated barmaid, I decide to order shots to make the evening more palatable. In hindsight, I should have cut and run but, since I was paying for the privilege of being second best, I wanted to be second best for a reason; namely, being too drunk to be attractive.

 

5. DON'T ASSUME YOUR DATE WILL SLEEP WITH YOU

After catching her, for a second time, chatting up someone else (who, incidentally, turned out to be a hat stand) I decided enough was enough and I left the pub to go to a house party. 'Date' followed and decided she wanted to join me, much to my dismay. On the way to the house party, she kept knocking on people's front doors and waiting for an answer, despite it being nearly midnight. When I questioned her on her actions, she replied "well, I know one of my mate's lives round here but I can't remember which house. He has a spare room and I thought we could spend the night together there and have some fun". Er… No.

 

6. WHEN BEING CHIVALROUS, BE CHIVALROUS

At 2.30am, I decided I should probably go home seeing as work was due to start at 6am. As I was escaping, 'date' saw me and wanted to walk me home. Nice gesture. We had got about sixty yards up the road together when I turned around and saw her walking back to the house party.

 

7. BE SURE YOUR DATE HAD A GOOD TIME BY TEXTING THEM THE NEXT DAY

And so I received the obligatory text, stating that 'date' had had a lovely evening and wanted to see me again. After much consideration (five seconds) I was about to text her back to decline but, luckily, decided to go on Facebook first. Whilst scrolling through statuses I came across her, which read like this… "Can't wait til after Christmas so I can go and live with my beautiful girlfriend in Manchester, lol"… LOL. LOL? L, O, FUCKING, L. So I endured an awfully long and expensive evening with a deranged girl who banged on about nothing but her ex who, in fact, turned out to be her current girlfriend. Ah right, cool. Number? Deleted.

 

Kids, the moral of the story is… dating is a disaster, but one that seems necessary in the grand scheme of things. Well, unless you are content with your own company, which I am… for a few hours every day, when I am asleep.

 

Just to clarify, we didn't have a second date.

 

If you just follow one person on Twitter today, make it Sarah Leeves: sleevsie22.

 

 

Only reading DIVA online? You're missing out. For more news, reviews and commentary, check out the latest issue. It's pretty badass, if we do say so ourselves.

 

divadigital.co.uk // divadirect.co.uk

 

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