Help! My new girlfriend’s moving herself in
DIVA's sex and dating expert detects a case of lesbian U-Haul disease
Dear Hot Stuff,
I've just begun going out with this girl who is really great. She's intelligent, kind and we have a lot of fun together. The sex is quite good too! She's a bit older than me and she manages to make me feel safe and looked after. All in all, a keeper, right?
I'm no longer so sure! The problem started three weeks ago when I asked her to bring a couple of pairs of undies to mine. She arrived with a suitcase.
I like that she wants to spend time with me at my apartment, but I'm also worried about her feeling too comfortable. I'm concerned that, what with her being older, I will get sucked into a too-stable a relationship too soon. I don't think I want to lose her, but I also need my space and independence. I don't know how to approach the conversation without someone getting offended.
Laurine from Manchester
Dear Married from Manchester,
Oohh! It's a been a while since anyone wrote in about that oh-so lesbian of ailments, U-Haul disease. To be perfectly frank, I was starting to get worried!
Having said that, it might be the first time I've heard of the U-Haul in this, most literal sense of the term, as in actually bringing baggage, somehow I've always associated it with emotional baggage...
So, what to advise in regard to your current predicament? I admit there is a big difference between some knicks and a whole load of luggage. I also admit that, in the big scheme of things, ostensibly moving in after what you suggest to be a short period of time, is a slight imposition...
One the one hand, it's obviously kind of flattering that the person you're seeing wants to spend time with you, but obviously on the other hand, it's unusual to feel so at ease as to become flatmates practically overnight. Especially without asking!
Reflect carefully on what you want to do and how you're going to say it. It could be that this whole scenario has made you question the manners of the person you're with and whether or not you're ready for what they're ready for.
It could be that you're madly in love with the woman but you're just not ready to move in and have kids yet. As for how to approach this particularly sticky conversation, the only thing that I can say is - be delicate. It's going to be harsh for her to hear that she's moving at a totally different rhythm than you and you've felt uncomfortable for three weeks. Unless she's got the skin of a dinosaur, offence is likely to be taken. (Unless you follow the conversation up with sex, that's always a good idea.)
Whatever happens, be insistent and firm about what YOU want. If she doesn't take it well, then politely suggest she take her undies and suitcase elsewhere... Good luck!