I can’t get her off

DIVA’s sexpert advises a reader whose girlfriend refuses a helping hand




Dear Hot Stuff,


I've been with my girlfriend (I'll call her Emily), for about two and a half months but she finds it hard to let me try to give her an orgasm. She was with her ex for three years and claims that this ex had never made her come in all that time but would always feel bad that she couldn't and therefore put a lot of pressure on Emily. I understand what this is like because this has happened to me in a previous relationship. It takes time to relax and you have to trust someone a lot. 


In my case the woman I was with was much older and more experienced so eventually made me relax enough for it to work regularly. I don't want to put pressure on Emily like her ex did and whenever I bring it up she feels guilty so I try not to. I just want to make her feel as good as she makes me feel and to keep trying, even if it takes a while. I know she feels bad for taking 'too long' and even when I say I'm not tired, she pushes me away and touches herself. She regularly orgasms like this but it makes me feel like a bit of a third wheel to her and her own fingers. I know that sounds stupid and it's probably me being insecure and insensitive. It's hard to feel like you don't know what you're doing but I can't learn what she likes unless I can try.


I just wondered what you think would be the best thing to do? I don't want to keep mentioning it because it will make things worse if I pressurise her. Or if I do say something, I don't want her to feel like shehasto let me touch her and then get frustrated because I'm not doing it right when she could do it much better herself. I love her very much and maybe it would be best not to do anything (she says that I am doing everything right, its just her) so not to make it seem like an orgasm is the be all and end all because I do think the sex is amazing anyway?


Helena, Glasgow



Dear Gooseberry from Glasgow, 


I remember dealing with this same issue in a past relationship. A much younger and more inexperienced version of myself, checking the internet and memorising the fact that relaxation is the key to any orgasm, and that, though figures vary wildly, something like 15% of all women have difficulty coming to a full stop. Hallelujah! It wasn't just my then girlfriend and it wasn't just my novice fingers incapable of getting her awf. It's a common problem with entire books dedicated to its analysis! 


Where to begin is complicated. Though something like 'it definitely isn't you,' would be a good start. We know this because of the sheer number of women who experience issues orgasming and, in this particular instance, because your gf has also had difficulty other partners. So that's one issue dealt with. It's NOT YOU. You are fabulous, patient and generous in bed. You have had other sexual partners who have screamed and melted beneath your agile hands.  And with such a fantastic sexual history, feelings of insecurity are only normal. Try not to let them get you down you raunchy lady. 


Now that's over with, let's set some other things straight. We know that she CAN orgasm (she does it herself,) and we know that she has had an ex partner who has frightened her. The lingering shadow of her ex-gf is crucial to an understanding of the pressure that she clearly puts on herself. This is absolutely why, contrary to what you might think, you MUST be able to discuss sex openly, any problem in any relationship is only made worse when kept under wraps. You must lead the discussion in this area, delicaltely of course. Be careful when choosing what to say and when to say it. Don't begin a discussion of this kind just before or after sex. Do it when you're both relaxed and when an opportunity presents itself. Reassure and tell her you love her. Don't be insistent or forceful. Remind her that sex is fantastic but you would love the opportunity to make it better for the both of you. Be positive rather than negative. 


Once the subject has become less stigmatised for the both of you, and both parties reassured, perhaps you could both get back to feeling comfortable and trying. Whilst in bed, recall what your ex-partner did to make you relax. You could begin by incorporating masturbation into sex. Masturbate for each other with a good dash of voyeurism, watch carefully what she does and gently take over. Don't forget that talking during sex can be highly erotic and instructive! 


This 'back to basics plus open discussion' approach has to be the way forward and I can only hope that your girlfriend will understand and be open to discussion and tria l& error. For a while, you might want to efface yourself from the equation and focus uniquely on your girlfriends wants and fears. If things don't improve though and she refuses to help things get better or recognize that there is an issue, I would have to suggest that you pose yourself some more serious questions about the nature of your relationship. Having difficulty orgasming is not a problem but refusal to allow and assist a partner in the search for a mutual solution, is. After all, the bloody things should be fabulous and both parties should feel good (orgasms AND relationships.)


Good luck. 


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