She won’t sleep with me anymore
Time to put yourself first, says DIVA's online sexpert.
Dear Hot Stuff,
I have been with my girlfriend for four years. For the past year and a half though, our sex life has amounted to nothing. She hardly ever tries it on with me anymore and we never have intimate kissing sessions like we used to… I understand that people go through dry spells but this is the bloody desert!
I always kiss her when I come home and, believe me, I have tried as much as I can to be intimate with her, but nothing works she always pushes me away. We have spoken about it and she says she just needs time and I have to wait and it will just happen, but how long do I wait? I have asked her all the questions I can to see if it's me, which she says it isn't. It has got to the point where now I don't even want to try any more as I can't take being turned down again.
I know that my girlfriend has had a rough time over the past couple of years and I know her weight is an issue to her. I love her exactly as she is and I want her just as much now as when we first met but I am becoming tired with waiting and feeling like her friend. Basically, it's just starting to hurt.
Sophie from Durham
Dear Dry-Spell from Durham,
The simplest (and saddest) thing that I can say to reassure you, is that LBD (lesbian bed death) is a common problem amongst both short and long term lesbian couples.
I'm going to keep my answer brief and to the point. Firstly, because I can, since one of the blissful things about giving relationship advice is that it's always easier when it's not your own! Secondly, and most importantly, keeping things simple is all you can really do in this kind of situation. Getting bogged down for hours about details of who said what to whom and when, is both hurtful and futile.
You need to be asking yourself the following questions:
- Do I really think things will change? If so, when? If they do, will I be capable of getting over the damage that this period has done to my trust and love in this person?
- Is this relationship making me feel positive and happy about myself right now? Am I according my feelings enough importance in the current situation?
- How would I feel if I was to leave? Relief or sadness?
And let me tell you, dearest Dry-Spell, that these questions are coming from someone who has been through exactly what you are going through. I was with my ex a little under three years and for almost a year of that, I suffered rejection and terrible feelings of want and inadequacy. I don't wish that upon anyone. Give your girlfriend all the patience and love that you are capable of giving but at some point, say stop, enough is enough, and think of yourself.
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