Born-again

"For me, one aspect of lady-loving that blows my mind is how completely at one I feel when I'm with my love"


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As a relatively new convert to the delights of same-sex love, I am probably in danger of becoming an annoying born-again type. But I console myself that as I'm not generally out, I am only smugly born-again in silence, so it’s not really annoying anyone at all!

 

When my divorced, straight friend talks about meeting a new man and complains about having to wax within an inch and style her hair before going on a date, I catch myself thinking... “And that's why you’d be much better off with a woman!” But on reflection I realise that I too want to feel silky-smooth before an encounter, so I guess wanting to look our best is the same, whoever we are interested in. (I do sneakily suspect that women are less critical of purely outward appearances, but maybe that’s just wishful thinking on my part?) I think that when my friend talks of her Tinder trysts, I mostly just feel smug. Because I now know the unparalleled bliss of loving a woman. And I can’t imagine wanting to be back in her shoes.

 

For me, one aspect of lady-loving that blows my mind is how completely at one I feel when I'm with my love. It is quite phenomenal how at ease we are together. Despite this being our first time with a woman for both of us, having compared notes it seems we both feel more easy in our intimacy with each other than we have ever felt with anyone else. Of course it's hard to know if this is just because we are both over 50 so are simply more relaxed in our bodies and confident in our sexuality? Perhaps that's part of it, but personally I think it's also because we are women. With a woman, it feels right. For me, it feels more right than anything else. The rest felt like part of the search. Now I feel home. I know this might sound very cliched, but it has never felt so true. 

 

I am amazed by the lack of inhibition I feel. This is a woman with whom I've organised play dates for our kids and manned the book stall at the school fete, and yet here we are together, utterly abandoned like never before. With her I have no hang-ups about my body, no lack of sexual confidence. I feel completely free in my body and my mind. Even my lack of experience with a woman isn't a problem. I reckon that finding my way around the female body shouldn't be too hard… after all, I've done it all my life. I know what I like… so we will just have to suck it and see… so to speak.

 

I also feel an absolute ability to talk about everything with her in a way that didn't exist to the same level, even with my husband of 20 years. Is this because women generally do communicate more deeply than men, or again is it that we are older and perhaps a wee bit wiser? Or is it that I have lucked-out and the woman I love is someone who can talk more openly and honestly than virtually anyone I know? This is certainly partly the case, as she is an exceptional communicator. Whatever the reason, there is a freedom in how we can communicate intimately that I don't think exists in my straight friend's relationships. 

 

I find myself musing on why more women aren't in relationships with women? Because, to me (at risk of repeating myself), it feels so right. So natural. So perfect. I think to myself that I have unearthed an awesome, delicious secret that huge amounts of the female population clearly haven't yet discovered! I hug myself gleefully at this bestowal, and smile inwardly as I go about my life, glowing with my precious knowledge.

 

Surely it will only be a matter of time before the secret is out? After all, to me it makes complete sense to plump for somebody from your own planet… If it's true that men are from Mars and women are from Venus? Why would you NOT choose a relationship with someone who understands the inner workings of your mind and body? I know, I know, I am over-simplifying and glamorising the situation – like I said, I am definitely evangelical in my attitude these days.

 

It’s because I feel so incredibly liberated and at ease when I'm with her that I forget that a relationship like ours is still unusual to much of the population. At least it is where we live. I genuinely have to stop myself from being too liberated when we are out together. I also recognise that in Britain 2018 we are mostly fortunate to be able to love who we want without fear for our lives – which sadly is a luxury still not afforded to a vast amount of people around the world. This relationship has taught me such a lot about gratitude. I feel very blessed to have this kind of love. Being with her makes me feel very, very lucky, and I don’t ever want to take that for granted.

 

 

Only reading DIVA online? You're missing out. For more news, reviews and commentary, check out the latest issue. It's pretty badass, if we do say so ourselves.

 

divadigital.co.uk // divadirect.co.uk

 

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