On the art of coming out over Christmas dinner

How do you broach this? We’ve got no idea, but we've put together some perfectly useless scenarios for your #Queermas enjoyment...


Published:

HO HO... HOMO?

 

Ask anyone and they will probably tell you that Christmas is a time for food, festivity, and family.

 

Ask someone who isn’t straight and "festivity" can veer unpredictably between anything from stirring a hot pan of mulled wine to steering yourself away from the dog-whistle homophobia of an auntie or uncle. Mmm, cinnamon!

 

 

If you carry the mantle of being the gay cousin – holding its weight with your strong and capable shoulders like a queer Atlas – it can be difficult to take this identity into events which include extended family.

 

So, how do you broach this situation? It’s a tricky one. We’ve got no idea, but we have put together some perfectly useless scenarios for your enjoyment...

 

An older family member tries to strike up conversation. How’s school/university/work? Do you have a boyfriend?

“Well, Aunt Glynnis, thank you for putting those two questions together in a way which suggests that my relationship status is tied together with any academic or professional pursuits I have going on at the moment, all contributing to some overarching impression of my ‘success’. I love the 1950s it’s the best.

 

"No, I don’t have a boyfriend. Thank you for reminding me that I’m meant to be looking for one – I must have forgotten somewhere amongst frolicking in pools of glitter and praying to the murals of Kathleen Hannon and Karen O permanently plastered over the walls of my home.

 

"Could you please pass the brussel sprouts?”

 

 

You’re into the Arts, huh? I suppose you’ll have to find yourself a rich boyfriend!

“Why would I limit myself to finding a boyfriend to depend on financially when I could settle down with a woman and we could have two sets of the wage gap, several cats, and maybe a few plants?”

 

Bring along your own nut roast for yourself, and for any other enlightened family members to enjoy

Nothing says "black sheep" quite like taking along your own vegetarian meal to escape the carnivorous goings-on of the day. You won’t have to say anything, and to be honest it’s hardly coming out – they’ll probably just think you, quite rightly, care about the effect of meat consumption on the environment.

 

But lezbehonest, we all also know there’s queer coding in there if you want there to be...

 

You eat meat. A family member turns to you and asks: “Would you like leg or breast?”

You stare down awkwardly, suddenly taking in the stained carpet on the floor beneath you. You slowly rock your weight back and forward between the various legs of your chair. Very subtly, you lick the edges of your lips...

 

A family member turns to you and asks, again: “Would you like leg or breast?”

 

You turn to them, slightly wide-eyed, digging your nails firmly into your palms.

 

You take a breath, and compose yourself...

 

“BREAST. I want BREAST. Breast! Breast! Breast! There, I said it!”

 

Aunt Glynnis, begins to slowly carve out the meat, slightly tilting her head as she tries to work out what exactly just happened.

 

Merry Christmas, one and all.

 

@mimirobson_

 

 

Only reading DIVA online? You're missing out. For more news, reviews and commentary, check out the latest issue. It's pretty badass, if we do say so ourselves.

 

divadigital.co.uk // divadirect.co.uk // divasub.co.uk

 

Edit ModuleEdit Module
Edit ModuleShow Tags

Related Articles

Stonewall reveals its Top 100 LGBT employers

Employers include MI5, Lloyds Banking Group and Cheshire Fire and Rescue Service 👔

Gig review... Adrianne Lenker

A holy performance at London's Union Chapel

Historic moment for intersex and human rights campaigners

Equalities Office announce launch of Variations In Sex Characteristics Call For Evidence

Vault Festival presents Juniper and Jules 🎭

On the joys and disappointments of monogamy versus the thrills and spills of polyamory...

Add your comment:
Edit Module

Follow Us

    

 

Edit ModuleShow Tags
Edit ModuleShow Tags
Edit ModuleShow Tags
Edit ModuleShow Tags Edit ModuleShow Tags
Edit ModuleShow Tags Edit ModuleShow Tags
Edit ModuleShow Tags