Dear scientist, my lesbianism has nothing to do with men
A pissed off queer woman reacts to the new study suggesting lesbianism evolved to turn blokes on
It’s the conundrum that’s stumped our greatest scientific minds for centuries. Why do lesbians lesbian? Which man are we trying to impress with our otherwise inexplicable lesbian behaviour? And of course, the most pressing mystery of modern science - but what do the guys think of all this rampant lesbianing?
One brave academic decided to get to the bottom of this crazy lesbian craze. In his new study, Cypriot researcher Menelaos Apostolou suggests that lesbianism evolved because it’s attractive to men.
What’s that I can smell? Oh yes, it’s patriarchal bullshit. Menelaos, I think you’ve missed the fundamental point of being a lesbian. It’s not about turning guys on, it’s about turning girls on.
Let me tell it to you straight, straight boy. Men are as relevant to my lesbian relationship as your study is to useful scientific research.
And why does Menelaos have to place blokes at the centre of everything? (Is it mummy issues or because his nickname’s Men?) If a lesbian falls in the woods and a man’s not there to catch her, is she still a lesbian? The correct answer is a resounding hell yes, a lesbian with bruised knees maybe, but a sapphic sister all the same.
In Mr Men’s study, he failed to speak to any actual queer women. Instead, he decided the best people to talk to were heterosexual couples. That’s right. A study into the reasons gay women exist consulted only straight people. Which reminds me, I simply must get back to my investigation into the mating rituals of mallards - naturally I’ll be interviewing the baboons about that one.
What gets on my gay goat the most is this persistent desire that some straight men have to insert themselves into our same-sex sexuality. Menelaos reminds me of one of those creeps whose eyes light up like a slot machine when he twigs that your gal pal is actually your other half. Did I say other half? Sorry, obviously I meant other third because until a big, sweaty man comes swaggering into our lives we’re incomplete. We mostly just sit around braiding each other’s hair, longing for the day when a knight in shining misogyny selflessly suggests a threesome.
For any man who has ever fantasised about a threesome with a lesbian couple, let me paint you a little picture of what that would look like in real life: you feeling indescribably awkward while I lecture you on intersectional feminism - fully clothed - and my GF contemplates starting her own study into the scientific effects of her whacking you in the groin with a spanner.
Seriously, aren’t there other things he could be studying? Like why he’s so fixated on lesbians in the first place? Was his heart broken by an ex-girlfriend who dumped him before coming out as a raging lezza? Look, I sympathise. I’ve been that raging lezza. But just cry it out and move on. Stop trying to prove she only ran off with a woman to arouse you.
I’ll give Menelaos this. He did say one half-sensible thing when he admitted to Pink News that more research needs to be carried out. Here’s an idea - maybe this time do the research into lesbianism on lesbians.
Only reading DIVA online? You're missing out. For more news, reviews and commentary, check out the latest issue. It's pretty badass, if we do say so ourselves.