The ultimate office party survival guide

The dos, the don’ts and the OMG you didn’ts!


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DO make an effort

It's a given. Sometimes we just can't be arsed to get dressed up and make polite conversation, ensuring to nod and laugh at the appropriate times. Sometimes a mug of Cadbury's hot chocolate, your favourite pyjamas and a marathon of Gavin and Stacey is much more appealing. However, sulking in the corner at the Christmas do is just as bad, if not worse than not going at all. I mean, look at Sally who works in reception Monday to Wednesday. She's having a great time. Don't be labelled the office Scrooge. No one likes a spoilsport.

 

DON'T go overboard on the pinot and sherry

We've all done it at some point. If anything, some might call it a learning curve or a mere slice of character building, but it doesn't have to be at the Christmas party. Now, I like a good time as much as the next person in the queue at Bargain Booze, but it's living with the consequences of lurching up to the acting managing director and telling him that he's ok for a spotty bloke, and then spending the remainder of the evening curled up under a table talking to a tin of Quality Streets.

 

DON'T even think about sex

No, no, no. No. A drunken fumble with a colleague in the end cubicle, somehow supporting yourselves against the back of the toilet and standing still like statues and holding your breath every time someone comes in, is never a laugh. On re-entering the party, your face won't smoulder with the words, "I've just had sex, and what?" Instead it will scream uncontrollably, "I've just had sex. Oops. Where's the nearest taxi rank?" Chances are you won't be able to look at your partner in crime for at least a month.

 

DO tuck in!

Target that table which is laden with more party food and drink than you can shake a stick at. Don't be embarrassed about taking a selection of at least four sandwiches and a handful of crisps, then eating a monster piece of chocolate log, to then go back for another sarnie. It's okay, it's Christmas. And yes there's free food even if there are strands of tinsel lurking in the potato salad. You'd end up calling in at your local chippy on the way home, anyway. Don't fight it.

 

DO stay off your social networks

We all use social networks to make people think we are high on life. Perhaps re-think posting that picture of you and your colleagues posing with traffic cones on your head as one member of the party is passed out in the background. Or, tweeting "HAD a GR8 NITE @ THE WORK DO. WOOOOO IT'S CHRISTMAS. I AM DRUNK AND KAREN HAS A NICE BUM. LOLOLOOL!!!! ;)" As unbelievably hilarious as this is, and as much as you feel like the next Shakespeare as you type, by the time you eventually delete it everyone will have seen it… Everyone!

 

DO turn up the next day

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think your boss will quite believe you if you ring up the following morning and claim that your second cousin has had an accident involving a jet ski and a killer whale and consequently a family emergency had to be called. Be wise, be cool, and take a bucket to work.

 

Happy Christmas!

 

 

Only reading DIVA online? You're missing out. For more news, reviews and commentary, check out the latest issue. It's pretty badass, if we do say so ourselves.

 

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