Dear Hot Stuff,
I'm finally coming back to live in the UK after five years
of expat living. I'm a little nervous about approaching
British women. To 'les Parisiennes' I'm charming and bumbling - a
kind of lesbian Hugh Grant - and that works for me. I'm afraid no
one in the UK will be quite as seduced by my English accent and
good manners... I'm scared!
Hot Stuff, somewhere between Paris and
Brighton
Dear, er, Self,
I can appreciate your trepidation. I'm going through a similar
situation right now.
Oh, wait a second...
It's a strange sensation indeed returning to one's country a
foreigner... It's back to fish and chips, Sunday roasts and
sandwiches. Back to Marks & Spencer, watching one's Ps and Qs
and pubs. Back to commerce on Sundays, polite queuing and more
alcohol than is healthy. And while all of these things have
been, paradoxically, both missed and scorned during the course of
living abroad, they are ultimately part of your culture just
waiting to be rediscovered.
God knows where you'll find a decent espresso, though.
And though it may be strange for a while to make the leap back
from camembert to cheddar, I have an inkling that in the lesbunum
department things will turn out all right. For despite some subtle
variations, in my experience, lady-lovers around the world share a
tried and tested set of common values...
1. 'Seductively' glowering from the other side of the bar
remains the best way to chat a girl up.
2. There is a 97% chance that the hottie with short bleach blonde
hair is gay.
3. Four days of lesbian relationship is the heterosexual
equivalent of roughly about seven months.
Keep these globally-applicable lesbian truths in mind, Hot Stuff,
and I'm pretty confident you can't go far wrong.
If all else fails, pretend you're French - an almost foolproof way
of provoking a 'voulez-vous coucher avec moi' response from a
gorgeous Brit or two.
''Oui, tah love. Your place or mine, like?''
Heh heh.
Got a problem for Gemma? Email
hotstuff@divamag.co.uk.
