Dear Hot Stuff,
I started going out with my best friend a month or so ago.
It was strange at first, considering we've known each other for
years, but it just seemed right. In fact, everything is progressing
swimmingly between us, apart from sex. I don't understand! She's
sensitive, sensual and sexy but I just can't come. The worst thing
is that I faked it from day one and now it's too late to tell her,
it will break her heart. This is my own fault.
Briony, Petworth
Dear Pretend in Petworth,
I think I speak for all women out there when I say that every one
of us, at some point or another, has faked an orgasm. Fatigue,
stress, Eastenders... Any one of an infinite amount of peripheral
issues can take on disproportionate importance in the heat of the
moment; making sex a chore, leading thoughts to stray and
concentration to wane. In other words, sometimes you're just not
bloody in the mood, correct? And it happens to the best of us,
Pretend, it's not a question of fault. Sadly, we don't live in a
Hollywood movie.
So first and foremost let's begin attacking the issue by clearing
your conscience of all of this unnecessary guilt. Once that's done,
you can dedicate your efforts to the real question at hand which is
what to do about this sticky situation you seem to have gotten
yourself into...
Faking it - the sexual equivalent of answering 'no, certainly not
darling,' to 'does my bum look big in this?' - whilst occasionally
acceptable, is a big problem when it becomes the norm. What starts
out as a white lie, designed to spare someone's feelings, can
quickly transform into deception and dishonesty. And once you've
dug your own grave, well, what the bloomin' heck are you supposed
to do to get back out of it? Do you fumble around with twigs for a
month, constructing a makeshift ladder which will break as soon as
you place a tentative toe on the first rung? Alternatively, should
you call for help and hope for the best? The answer is, as with
most problems of an intimate nature, to swallow one's pride and
yell SOS. Honesty really is the best policy.
I don't know how long this has been going on for, Pretend, but I'm
pretty sure that you have tried everything in your power to 'fix'
the situation. I'm assuming that you've tried sex when absolutely
relaxed and de-stressed? That both leisurely vanilla and more
exotic passionfruit-flavored love-making seshes have been
attempted? That toys, fantasizing and aromatherapy candles have all
been ineffectual? That erotic massaging, erotic literature and
erotic chit-chat have had no effect whatsoever? I'm assuming
basically, that you have tried and tested a comprehensive arsenal
(the entirety of the DIVADirect website) of
sexual weapons and that every single one of them have failed
to get you 'awf'?
If this is the case, Pretend, I'm afraid that there is nothing
more to be done. It seems to me that you may have built sex and
orgasms (or the lack of them), into such a big issue in your mind
that release (excuse the tactless pun) may be the only option. Talk
to your girlfriend, you never know, you may find out she is not the
only one having problems. Perhaps your prior relationship is the
issue here. It's a big risk, but you must weigh up the short-term
strops and difficult conversations against the possibility of a
long-term sexually unfulfilling and guilt-ridden relationship. It's
your call, Pretend.
Just try not to hhmm and ahhh for too long...
Got a problem for the DIVA sexpert? Drop Gemma a line, in
confidence, at hotstuff@divamag.co.uk.
