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Hot Stuff: Her ex boyfriend is coming to stay

Does it matter that he’s a man, asks the DIVA sexpert

Gemma Halsey

Tue, 15 Jan 2013 11:19:56 GMT | Updated 4 years today

Dear Hot Stuff,


I'm faced with a bit of a predicament. My girlfriend of six months has just announced that her ex-boyfriend (AKA the only man she has ever loved or slept with) is coming to stay for a weekend. Now, I'm a very reasonable person when it comes to exes. It just so happens that both my girlfriend and I have best mates who happen to be exes. We both have close relationships with them and I have no problem when her ex-girlfriend stays over or vice-versa. But they're girls!


I keep trying to rationalise the issue. The fact that it's a man shouldn't bother me, but it does! I feel like some sort of reverse sexist. I also feel a weird jealousy that I would never feel with a girl. This has never happened before!


Vivi, Surrey



Dear (S)Ex-ist from Surrey,


I was trying to do something clever there with the name, my darling, tell me if it backfires or not?


I have to say, it's taken me a little longer than normal to reflect upon the ins and outs of our little 'situation' here. As someone who frequently advocates the benefits of maintaining close relationships with exes, I have to say, I have never been faced with a male ex either, and I agree that it would be a tad more complicated for me to accept, too.


I think a big part of your fear lies the fact that, in your mind, all of your girlfriend's exes have come to be represented by her best friend. The familiar one, the bezzie that sleeps over and that you've grown mentally accustomed to. Ask yourself, if suddenly another female ex appeared from the past, one that your girlfriend is only ok mates with, how would this new female ex make you feel? Similar to how you're feeling now, I reckon. Something along the lines of 'Shit! There's bloody another one on the scene, I'd just gotten used to the first one.' So, before you go knocking yourself for being a big dykey man-hater, think about that.


Let's talk ball nows. Having perhaps rationalised part of your anxiety, we cannot of course, ignore the obvious. Yes, it's a new ex but it's also a dude with a penis and facial hair. Now, I think we all agree that vintage man-bashing lesbianism is no longer à la mode. Personally, I like men; they have a certain simplicity that makes them great to work and have beers with, even though I definitely no longer want to sleep with them. That said, I would be automatically disposed to dislike the only fella that managed to do the dirty with my dame. And you know why? Because deep down I'd be frightened that somehow my girlfriend is going to take one look at him and think that she misses guys and wants a piece of that.


But that's just silly.


The answer, my darling, is to speak calmly with your girlfriend, explain how you feel, try to gauge her reaction and proceed from there. She should invite you to take part in the weekend, to go for drinks and what-have-you. Anything it takes for you to see that there is nothing dodgy afoot and for her ex to see your relationship and respect it. If she doesn't like this plan, forget gender, there is perhaps a more serious conversation to be had... 



Have an issue that you would like to see treated? All queries will be kept anonymous, except of course if tweeted, in which case they might be a little less anonymous.

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