Dear Hot Stuff,
I've been an out and proud lesbian for about five years
now - having been in various relationships with women; some
successful and others not quite so successful. I'm going through a
break-up now in fact, although I'm not quite sure that the
one-sided mess that my relationship was really qualifies it
for the term 'break-up'.
Despite having slept with men in the past, it's
something I had absolutely no intention of doing until I got drunk
and it happened last week.
I don't really regret it (I think I almost wanted it to
happen), it's just one of those things, but I can't help feeling
like a bad lesbian.
What do you think?
Krystel, Manchester
Dear Messy in Manchester,
What is a bad lesbian exactly? Perhaps a really naughty lesbian
might be someone who goes around stealing dildos from Ann Summers
and keeping them all to herself? Perhaps a lesbian who has never
cut her hair short or had an erotic dream about Angelina Jolie? Or
perhaps... Actually, these are all rubbish ideas. I'm not sure that
there is such a thing as a bad lesbian. After all, our basic
definition of lesbianism is a lady who sleeps with ladies, but
there are no rules, no regulations, no suffix at the end of the
Oxford Dictionary entry adding, "However, if said lady should shag
occasional man, title of lesbian is no longer
applicable". Don't they say sexuality is fluid? Yet how often
are the definitions we are most beholden to the definitions we
impose on ourselves...?
I understand that you might feel a little shaken by your
encounter with a penis. Sorry, I mean man. After all, they are
hairy, large and hard. We love ladies because they are soft,
elegant, delicate, beautiful. It's a different set of adjectives
entirely. And that's without even mentioning the
unmentionables. Oh wait, I already did.
Messy, despite sex with men being just that, it doesn't make you
a bad person or a bad lesbian. Far from it. Not many women I know
are as at ease with their sexuality. You followed an impulse and
that's what life should be about more often. Whether the result is
what you expected or not, you made a bold (or possibly drunken)
decision and I sincerely hope that no one judges you for it, least
of all you. You're not allowed - you made it! And let's not forget
that you're emotionally vulnerable after your break-up (you have
every right to call it that) and so seeking affection is natural.
You just, wandered off in the wrong direction...
Now, you sexy minx you, on behalf of all lesbians nationwide, I
hope you stay on the team as t'were, but once again, we come back
to this sexual fluidity business. Perhaps you're bi? Perhaps it was
a complete one-off? Perhaps tomorrow you'll meet the woman of your
dreams. Perhaps we should chuck labels out the window entirely and
go with the flow.
Why don't you use the time between now and your next encounter
with a lady, to imagine all the things that a bad lesbian might
really do, you naughty girl...
If you have question, query or quivering issue that you
would like to see treated, send Hot Stuff a mail at hotstuff@divmag.co.uk (in
confidence)
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