Dear Hot Stuff,
I've been with my girlfriend now for over four years. She's
slightly younger than me and when we first got together she was was
a newbie TV runner, just beginning her working life. We had an
excellent relationship; supportful, intimate and loving. It was
only normal then, that during the time when she wasn't earning a
lot, I paid for things, rent, food, trips etc and she contributed
whenever and wherever she could.
Four years on and she's made it big, working on hefty and time
consuming television projects for some of the biggest channels. As
a result I hardly ever see her anymore.
I don't know how to tell her that the career we both worked so
hard to construct is now an obstacle between us. She's so driven
but I just miss my girlfriend and my best friend. It's as if she's
just not there anymore.
Emilie from London
Dear Lonely in London,
Relationships that have taken place during strong periods of
transition can be complicated. A relationship that was wonderful in
high school can't always be packed in a suitcase and taken to
university. That girl who you dated the whole last year at uni
moved, or got a job abroad at the end of her degree.
People are constantly shifting gear, changing opinions, growing up
and evolving. Sometimes relationships can't do the same.
You did an amazing thing for your girlfriend at the start of your
time together. It's not every couple that can stand the extra
complication that financial inequality can bring. When the earning
divide is so pronounced it can sometimes be hard not to fall into
(however unconscious!) feelngs of being owed or owing.
The simplest way to think about your current situation (simple but
very near impossible,) would almost be to try and forget about your
history and concentrate on the current situation and how it's
making you feel. If you constantly keep your past in mind you will
inevitably end up thinking- I can't judge, I understand, look how
hard we worked, I have to be more patient, give her more space,
more time...
But sadly, no.
I'm assuming if you're writing to me it's that you have already
gone through this process. The problem when we love someone so much
is that being selfish can be almost impossible, even when we are
really unhappy. The forgone conclusion of being such a lovely
person is 'it's not her, it's me. I'm demanding too
much.'
Analyse the reality of how YOU feel right NOW and act upon it.
Don't be afraid to say, 'I'm here, where are you?'
I hope it works out.
If you have question, query or quivering issue that you
would like to see treated, drop Hot Stuff a line at
hotstuff@divamag.co.uk (in confidence).
Follow Gemma on Twitter: @GemmaHalsey
