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Hot Stuff: My girl’s fallen out of love

Is it the end of the road for us, a reader asks the DIVA sexpert

Gemma Halsey

Fri, 30 Nov 2012 10:46:32 GMT | Updated 4 years today

Dear Hot Stuff,


I am in love with a beautiful woman I have been with for just under five years now. She is the love of my life but I'm not sure that it's mutual. We seem to be having some difficulties, I am really quite afraid of what they might mean for 'our' future. I can't seem to picture myself without her, it pains me to imagine it. 


I think the problem is me. I'm too childish - I like to make her smile and when I'm in awkward situations I just make a fool of myself. But I know that I also behave this way as a protection. I have been through the worst trauma one can go through, something which has been really hard to deal with, although my partner has stuck by me through it all. She has been my rock, but my behaviour makes it difficult for her to connect with me.


Aside from all of this, my partner isn't exactly 'out and proud'. We both came 'out' at college, but since then, she has proceeded to climb back in the closest and close the door behind her! So I find it difficult knowing I don't exist in her world outside the house - her workmates don't know about me, her friends, etc. She must be ashamed of me, right? 


When I suggest doing things like going out for a meal, just the two of us, she shuts me down. She really wants to make new friends and pursue that rather than talk about us and sort it all out. Our sex-life is non-existent, in fact when we do make love, the contact feels so overwhelming, I find myself crying. What does that mean? She seems incapable of giving me the one thing I need right now - reassurance. She feels like an ice queen, wanting to get rid of me but just not sure how to...


I feel very alone, isolated and unwanted. I have a major health issue that means I'm not at work, which is driving me crazy and I spend all of time imagining life without her. I have nothing, nothing to wake up for in the morning or even live for. She has been my world for so long, and I'm afraid without my world I'm just going to be nothing and have nothing... Please advise me, I don't want to wear a fake smile and, most of all, I don't want to burden her any longer. If I've outstayed my welcome in her life, and the only way to make her happy would be leaving, then I shall leave in hope she finds true love and happiness.


Julie from Tyneside



Dear Troubled from Tyneside,


This is all very sad, Troubled, very sad indeed. There are clearly a lot of different problems that have merged into one and everything has become very bleak.


My advice for you is very simple. You need a break with everything that has gone rotten and a new start. Of course I know that this is much easier said than done. 


There seem to be three main strands of issue. One, your relationship has become strained because of, two, your physical and emotional health issues, none of which is helped by the fact that, three, you don't work and have nothing to focus on or construct. (In my opinion. I'm no psychologist and so please treat this advice as mere council from someone with stricken with an almost pathological common sense!) I don't know the nature of your health issues, but I can only advise you as strongly as possible to attempt to engage in some sort of constructive activity that I believe will help your self-esteem and allow you to have a sense of productivity. Why not try working from home via the internet; why not start a blog or a website? Something, anything that will permit you to engage in a project and give somewhere to direct your energy.


As for your relationship, it can be very difficult for to emerge unscathed through traumatic situations and experiences. It all depends on the nature of the person that you're with and how willing and ready they are to engage with and support you. It sounds to me like, sadly, though your partner has been capable of being there for you, finally the pressure has become too much. Somewhere along the way, something has become tired. It happens in most relationships. The fact that you know this makes it worse. We tend to become clingy when we feel someone slipping away when what we really need to do is let them breathe and reflect. 


But it's not only your partner that needs to reflect on the future of your relationship. You must also think about whether it's a relationship that is helping you as a person, or not. It's horrible, but sometimes we have to be selfish and say, 'I need to take care of myself.' Relationships and partners can't be the only thing capable of saving us. We also have to be able to say 'I CAN take care of myself.' Don't stay clinging on to memories of what the relationship has been, ask yourself, is it a pleasant feeling knowing that someone wants to 'get rid of you'? No! You're worth more than that. 


And finally, you must never, ever, think that you have nothing to wake up for. Be strong, be selfish. You will always have YOU to wake up for. 


If things seem really too bleak, you can always try seeking professional help. A good counsellor or therapist can help you find a sense of perspective and recover your self-confidence when all seems lost. Search and for LGBT-friendly therapists in your area, or ask your doctor for a referral. You do not have to deal with these feelings alone.



Have an issue that you would like to see treated? All queries will be kept anonymous, except of course if tweeted, in which case they might be a little less anonymous.


Email or tweet @GemmaHalsey


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