Dear Hot Stuff,
I have finally slept with this girl that I'd been
dying to it on get with for months! She's bloody gorgeous, you
know, the charmer that everyone wants a piece of. But, I was a bit
drunk and hadn't realised that despite her inhuman good looks, she
has a really strong Newcastle accent. And when I mean strong I
mean, almost to the point of incoherency. Needless to say, the sex
was amazing and we want to see each other again but I just can't
help feeling put off... I don't mean to be uppity or anything, I
just found it really unattractive.
I'm a bad person, right?
Lizzy from Gloucestershire
Dear Non-Geordie from Gloucestershire,
Well now then, me wee lass, what's all this goin' on
like?
The problem, me love, is that a'd love to give ya an objective
answer like, but ah have to be honest and tell ya reet now that a'm
a Geordie lass meself like, and hence any attempt at partiality is
just like total not possible, like if ya kna what ah
mean.
This isn't really the reet place fur a lesson in English
dialects and what-have-ya, but ah can tell ya that 'Geordie',
perhaps more so than any other localised accent or dialect, maybe
even in the country, is considered imbued with a total sense of
regional identity and pride. Ya kna, a bit like gay Pride but
Geordie pride.
This pride doesn't only stem from an obstinate solidarity in the
face of opinion that would proclaim Geordie inferior to Standard
English (before you go getting all like, 'North and South divide'
on us there, Gloucestershire) but also comes from being different
to other Northern accents, too. A Geordie is from Newcastle
and wuh proud of that.
What ah mean te say is, whatever ya dee, ah would very strongly
suggest that ya divn't mention to this lass that ya think her
accent is ugly. A'm not really sure how well that would go doon
like.
And now ya thinking, well about that penchant that all Geordie
speakers have for booze and tanning booths - the typical
proletarian drunk ah've seen all to much of on Geordie Shore and
the like? Please divn't let one really crap television show
put you off an entire area or confuse telly-reality with reality.
The Geordie North-East (specifically Tyneside and
Northumbria), conforms to the same sociolinguistic principles as
the rest of the UK (the more non-standard speech ya use, the poorer
or badly educated ya are, reet?). So just because ya might think
we've got a dodgy accent doesn't mean we're all incoherent
orange-utans, just like all Southerners aren't all Eton-educated
toffs.
It's peculiar really, I meself have always found
accents other than me own canny sexy, almost exotic if ya will, and
though it's difficult to imagine a Geordie accent being mistaken as
sexy, it should be possible to say to yeself: 'Ok, it's maybes not
me cup of brew, but ah can manage', cos this lass is kind, lovely,
great in bed and she total wants to see us again.' No?
Play ya cards reet and she might even take ya up North for a
Newcastle Brown and walk in the fresh Northern air. You'd be very
lucky!
If you have question, query or quivering issue that
you would like to see treated, drop Hot Stuff a line
athotstuff@divmag.co.uk
(in confidence). And to keep abreast of
all naughty news and goings on, follow the adventures of DIVA
magazine's sexpert on Twitter @GemmaHalsey
