Dear Hot Stuff,
I have a huge problem. A confuzzlement of sorts really.
I've been separated from my long-term girlfriend for most of this
year, and have grown very close to a person I've known for a long
time. She went through a breakup roughly at the same time as I did
and so naturally we supported and confided in each other
through the tough times. Now, months later, we are still really
close. Almost like a couple really, except minus the
sex...
The thing is, well, I've pretty much fallen for this
girl, this best friend. I know she feels something for me, too. She
tells me she loves me everyday, and that she wants to live with me
and blah blah blah. The thing is, I just don't know what she wants
from me. I can't figure her out. She's never kissed me but we are a
couple in all but name; she buys me thoughtful little gifts, sends
me romantic messages all the time, gets jealous when I talk about
other women, but HAS NEVER KISSED ME.
Further complicating matters is the fact that she is
seeing someone. Someone she knows she has very little in common
with, and certainly no future. She's actually told me a few times
how bad the sex is, that and the fact that it's long
distance.
I don't know if I should just give up waiting for her
and accept that she is a friend that isn't great at staying within
the boundaries of friendship, or give her some more time and
encouragement? I know for a fact that she has been trampled and
cheated on in every major relationship she's had and that she is
reluctant to let someone in, not wanting to be hurt
again.
I just don't know what to do. My intentions are
honorable, I promise.
Louise from Cramlington
Dear Conundrum in Cramlington,
Well, well, well. That is indeed quite a pickle, sweetheart. I'd
go so far as to say it's a whole darn jar of them in fact. Let's
clarify what we know:
- You both went through break-ups and became very close. Closer
than mere mates
- She tells you she loves you but has never been physically
intimate with you
- She currently has a long-distance, sexually unfulfilling
fling/relationship thing
- Her attitude towards relationships is informed by negative
past experiences
I almost feel like writing to someone for their opinion on
the matter. Oh. Wait a second.
Conundrum, darling, as a sex columnist I'd have to go with my
gut instinct that, when we really like someone, we do something
about it. The fact that she doesn't appear to have come even
anywhere close to kissing you, speaks volumes to me... But before
we jump to hasty conclusions, let us look at it from an optimistic
perspective:
- You have, perhaps, become too close and now the leap to
something sexual seems far away
- She could be just being kind when she says she loves you
- As she is seeing someone, she probably doesn't want to be
disloyal. Bad sex or no bad sex
- She wants to get closer, but is frightened of losing a
friendship and getting hurt
And now, with an a slightly more negative interpretation of
matters:
- You're her best friend. She wants to keep it that way
- She simply does not want to be physically intimate with
you
- We have proof that she's capable of conducting romantic
relationships, sadly not with you for the moment
- She is emotionally fragile and frightened of meaningful
relationships
What I mean to show by all of this is that it's all too blurry,
Conundrum. Have you seen how all the things we know can lend
themselves to both sides of the coin? All I can really advise you
to do is TALK to her. Find out what her feelings are so that you
can organise your own. Don't do it aggressively, do it calmly,
gently, why not buy her a gift for example (check out our DIVADirect store for all
kinds of fabby ideas), or take her out for a nice meal and broach
the conversation then? In any case, discuss, debate, decide. Good
luck, and let me know what happens.
If you have question, query or quivering issue that
you would like to see treated, drop Hot Stuff a line at hotstuff@divamag.co.uk (in
confidence).
And to keep abreast of all naughty news and goings
on, follow the adventures of DIVA magazine's sexpert on Twitter @GemmaHalsey
