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Hot Stuff: She won’t stop pawing me!

A reader wishes her partner would tone down the PDAs

Gemma Halsey

Tue, 05 Feb 2013 14:46:28 GMT | Updated 3 years today

Dear Hot Stuff,


I have a gorgeous new girlfriend and everything is going fabulously between us. We have great talks, we laugh together and the sex is really good. Really, really good. There's only one thing that ever so slightly annoys me and it is her insistence on holding hands and being all touchy-feely in public. Sometimes it's benign enough, sometimes it's way, way too much! It's not my thing and no matter how hard I try I can't come up with even a half-decent excuse as to why she should leave me alone! Any ideas?




Iris from Petersborough



Dear Paws from Petersborough,


Got a bit of a PDA problemo have we, Paws? Let's take a look. Public Displays of Affection are not for everyone and they're definitely NEVER for the poor sod of a gooseberry who has to sit and stare at her two best mates exchanging saliva for an HOUR when they were all supposed to be sitting having a sophisticated dinner together in order to celebrate said two best mates getting it on, it's so bloomin' rude, jeesh. 


Personally, I've had little experience of inappropraite PDA-ing. 


But what I do know is that PDAs can be politicised, complex, Austen-esque affairs. Ones that involved multiple parties; the toucher, the touchee and the public. Let's de-politicise this insidious web of social interactions and get down to the basics that you would think everyone knows but that not everyone does. 



1. Unless the public has paid to see a show, nobody actually wants to see a show

Traditionally, that kind of display of affection/love/physical attraction involves some sort of financial transaction. It's called downloading porn. Don't force people to watch oral sex when they may not actually wish to. Plus Toys R Us is right there, children may be watching and despite the fact that one in four children in the UK receive no sex education whatsoever, it's not up to you to give it to them. 



2. Two hands don't make a right angle

(Ok, so that doesn't mean a whole lot but I don't care.) I love you, but get your ever-so-slightly damp mitts of my freshly Boots anti-bacterialised fingers. We were just in the Tube and did you SEE that TV show where they put white gloves on commuters and then made them hold the metal bar, the gloves had turned BLACK and I do NOT want that in my life. Buses and metros are little more than giant public toilets on wheels and you wouldn't have sex in a public toilet. (Would you?)



3. It could happen to you

Don't reveal unto others what you wouldn't really particularly wish that they reveal unto you, OMG, I did NOT want to know you that intimately whilst sitting in this lovely café surrounded by young families and pensioners. What if everyone started doing it? And no, I wouldn't call that a normal Friday night down at the local pub. 



4. Just because we're gay doesn't mean we can get away with it

Just because we're socially marginal, my dear, doesn't mean we can get away with exploiting the unspoken rules of society. It would be equally as unpleasant, if not more so, if a heterosexual woman began fondling her boyfriend's testicles in the sandwich queue in M&S. The only difference being that the massive invisible elephant in the queue with you is buying something boring like ham and cheese instead of marinated Portobello mushroom and grilled eggplant. 



5. Be productive rather than re-productive

If you REALLY have to touch things, anything, whilst in the public sphere, invest in a smartphone, Rubik's Cube or a vintage Gameboy, something that will occupy those curious mitts of yours and until an about-turn has been taken and the bedroom has been reached.




Have an issue that you would like to see treated? All queries will be kept anonymous, except of course if tweeted, in which case they might be a little less anonymous.


Email or tweet @GemmaHalsey



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