Dear Hot Stuff,
My girlfriend has been dying to make a homemade sex tape
for ages and I've finally given in. It's her birthday, after all.
I'm so nervous though and am now regretting being such a softie! Do
you have any tips?
Emily from Polstead
Dear Porn Star from Polstead,
Brava, brava, dear Porn Star! I say go for it! I'm very proud of
you indeed, I have so many things I'd like to tell you, so much
advice to impart and whatnot, etc, etc.
Darn, no one has ever bloody asked me to make a sex tape.
Well jell! Can I come? Can I, can I?
But still, this is so exciting! Before we discuss, let's just get
one thing perfectly clear. You can only do this, I mean, I will
only give you the green light if both parties evidently
promise from the off to never share said movie. Or to destroy it
almost immediately after giggles have been had. Or would sheer,
mind-blowing embarrassment be more appropriate? I mean, what with
all the wobbly bits and everything...
Oh heck, you know what, just do it, don't over-analyse and have
fun! Simply make sure you both agree to destroy the evidence should
you ever separate. The worst thing that could possibly happen is
the footage going viral on the web, for example. Hiding the disc is
also highly advisable, thus avoiding a dodgy family-gathering
home-movie incident; you know, the kind that would occur in a film
starring Cameron Diaz?
Otherwise, I would point to the importance of setting the scene,
for example sectioning the most aesthetically-pleasing room in the
house. Pay attention to lighting: being over-exposed could kill the
ambiance, but then again I suppose it all depends on how much you
want to see... Oh, and be sure to press 'rec' because if you forget
it could be troublesome. 'Excuse me one second darling, I just need
to press a different button, just right there, ahhh.'
And above all make sure you've trimmed your bush and brushed your
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