Dear Hot Stuff,
I'm a bona fide butch and proud of it. I pride myself on
being 100% butch from the way I dress and behave to how I am
in bed; a place where I'm what you might call the 'active' partner
at all times.
Being the dominant party has always been a big part of
my identity and had never been a problem until I started seeing
another hardcore butch about two months ago.
Sex was a little strange to begin with, more like an
extremely passionate argument, but recently it's gotten to a point
where it has become genuinely difficult. Neither of us like to be
gone down on, both of us like to strap on but not take and we are
both uneasy being totally naked during sex. I'm not used to having
these issues with a sexual partner as I've always had 'femme'
What should I do?
Rachel from Birmingham
Dear Butch in Birmingham,
The French have an expression for this: qui se ressemblent
s'assemblent meaning that alike people will eventually end up
shacking up! They're very on the ball the Frenchies, you know.
Whilst I'm pleased to see a strong butch woman assert her
identity, don't forget that labels can be restrictive. Sexuality
and identity are so beautifully bewildering precisely because they
are so personal. Not all self-identified butches are toppy in bed,
for example. If suddenly you feel that adhering to 'being butch' is
no longer working out for you, then it's entirely up to you to feel
free to explore other ways of expressing or living your sexuality.
It seems that letting go and letting your girlfriend take the reins
in the bedroom might be a perfect opportunity to chillax in the
face of such a stringent self-image?IFyou feel it's a problem and
that's what you would like to do.
But I don't really want you to do that!
My issue is that you seem so proud and confident that I don't
understand why you are forcing yourself into a sexual situation
that isn't working out for you. I think you should have a
conversation with your girlfriend and just be honest. Chances are
she is having the same doubts about your compatibility. Bedroom
shenanigans are rather important after all and we all know when
it's working out and when it isn't.
My advice would be to perhaps give it one last chance and see
where things go…
Overall, it looks like you're in for a challenge here, Butch,
and what self-respecting lesbian doesn't like one of those?
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