Dear Hot Stuff,
I really need your help here. I've only been with my
girlfriend for seven months and I seem to have lost my sex drive! I
know it's not her because when we do have sex it's awesome. The
problem is not the sex, it's my lack of interest in having sex.
I've had this problem before with a previous
girlfriend.
My girlfriend likes to keep going on about lesbian bed
death but surely that can't be the problem; I'm only 26. I've tried
everything I can think of to solve the issue, please help me to at
least understand it a little. I just want to make it better; I'm
scared I'll lose my girlfriend.
Chloé, Durham
Dear Desireless in Durham,
First things first, Desireless. At the same time that you're in
what I can only imagine to be a close relationship with your
girlfriend, you must be sure that the will to fix this particularly
thorny issue comes from you and not from the weight of too many
arguments. In a relationship, libido issues can cause more disputes
than who does the washing-up. No panic, no stress and no
blame.
You mention that this has happened before, which is why I think
it's safe to conclude that what's troubling you is a real case of
genuine low libido as opposed to 'lesbian death bed' - a damaging
concept at the best of times, which has taken on a life of its own
since it was first conceived of back in 1983 by someone called
Pepper. I mean, honestly, would you trust someone called Pepper?
Didn't think so.
First of all, be reassured that there is nothing wrong with you.
Why, in almost all relationships, be they straight, gay or lesbian,
we find libido imbalance.
I would suggest a couple of different avenues of exploration,
starting with an obvious one that may provide temporary relief in
your relationship, a cunning(lingus?) piece of a advice that not
many people seem to know… Both parties need not necessarily be in
'the mood' for sex. There, I said it. But seriously, if your
girlfriend has the horn on and you just can't summon the feeling,
do something anyway. This may feel like forcing yourself, but if
you love her you can appreciate that constant rejection will
eventually have a profound effect, not only on your relationship
but possibly on your girlfriend. Ask her to masturbate for you,
touch her whilst she does it, participate a little. It's not really
much effort on your part but will mean the world to your
girlfriend.
One of the simplest reasons that people may have no sexual desire
is through fear. It only takes one bad experience to be totally
anxiety-ridden when it comes to sex. You say that sex with your
girlfriend is amazing, but fear may nevertheless be playing its
part without you even realising. I find that the more sex one has,
the more sex one wants and by having sex, one can build confidence
and ease. A simple way of growing more confident is to be at ease
about what you like and need. Try and be as sexually independent as
possible within your relationship. Frequent masturbation can be
affirmative and help you to take control of your own
sexuality.
Finally, in relationships suffering from problems related to
desire imbalance, sex can become a chore, shagging by appointment.
Drop-in times are better, don't you think? Say to yourself, 'I will
make love to my girlfriend twice this week,' and stick to it! Mix
it up a little. Throw her against a wall and ravish her ever so
slightly! Once more, it's a question of effort and unless you find
sex totally off-putting, there is not reason not to make that
effort for someone you love.
In the meantime, if these soft solutions don't help you, you could
try herbal remedies or visiting a doctor. From the lighter option
of ginger tablets (for example,) to the slightly more serious
tactic of hormone supplements, there are a myriad of ways to
increase your sex drive once and for all.
You can thank me in a couple of years, if you ever take a bonking
break, you naughty girl.
Psst! Got a problem for Hot Stuff? Email
hotstuff@divamag.co.uk, in confidence.
