Last week, lots of stuff happened on CBG. You can read our
recaps of episode four, and of one, two and three by clicking the
relevant links at the foot of this page.
This week looks promising, too, with a dinner party for Jo
Webber, Danni drawing a naked woman and much, much more. So: let's
Danni and the state of
the British education system
Unemployed arts graduate Danni is in Soho looking for something
to do. She's joining an art class and wearing some funky specs.
"I need to sort my life out a bit and get a f**king grip," she
says. As I've mentioned before, she swears quite a lot. A lot of
people do, of course, but I seem to notice it more when she does,
as she looks quite innocent.
Danni points out that it's difficult to know how to look for a
job when you come to London. I think this shows up a bit of a
failing in the British education system, actually. At 22, having
been to university and whatnot, someone should have explained to
her by now how to figure out what you want to do and how to look
for work. It's a really important life skill. I'm serious. This is
a serious point I'm making, even as on my screen there is footage
of someone in a leather glove squishing Danni's face at the fetish
party the other week.
So she's going to an evening class run by an illustrator. There
is a naked woman standing and lying in various poses. Danni makes a
quite good job of capturing the woman's bum on her sketchpad.
There's another woman there also drawing, and according to the
voice over, Danni likes the look of her. She also quite enjoys the
class, finding it "inspiring". This doesn't really tickle Voice
Over's fancy though; she'd rather hear about Danni's interest in
her classmate, so over we go to see whatever sexual frisson we can
wring out of this situation, with the sound of a barrel being
scraped as our soundtrack.
Danni does think the woman is "hot", which seems to be the
default way of describing someone we like the look of these days,
but frankly is a fairly feeble and inadequate description. Not
having a go at Danni, just making a general comment. Danni's
gaydar's on the blink and she doesn't ask, so we will never know if
this artistic hottie is gay or not. Life is full of disappointments
like this one.
Gary: The Financial
Monday night takings have been bad, and Gary calls in
"Manageress Sam" for a chat. Really, Voice Over? She was "the bar
manager" last week. I would expect a manageress to be wearing a
flouncy bonnet and a dress with 10,000 ribbons on it at the very
least. Which Sam isn't, inevitably.
Gary thinks salsa dancing might be a money-maker, so gives Sam
three minutes (three days of real time) to arrange everything. He
wants to double or treble the revenue on Monday night, which is the
kind of imprecise business talk that would incur the ridicule of
the business moguls on Dragons' Den. To her credit, Sam decides to
"jump to the challenge".
Sam is stressed. She's trying to make some kind of desktop
machine work, and it's not playing ball. Is it a printer from the
1950s or a fax machine from the 1960s? Whatever it is, it's falling
to bits. Sam's desk is interesting actually, covered in empty drink
bottles, a stack of toilet rolls and a half-eaten takeaway
Despite the failure of the equipment, the bar looks pretty good.
Stuart the salsa teacher turns up, as does Natalie the "salsa
virgin", and Jo Webber and Alisha. Jo and Alisha dance ironically
for a second. Then they all dance about. Unless I'm mistaken there
are 6 people there. Jo makes a joke about learning new moves. Ha!
Jo doesn't miss a trick! There's even a shriek of pain as someone
steps on Natalie's tiny toes.
The takings weren't great, so the night wasn't really a success,
but Sam's growing on me; the South African accent and the
competence are a winning combo. I think she may become my favourite
'character' by the final whistle. So a success for her in a sense,
Rach is due in to the airport after some time away in Brazil.
Once again Voice Over, who must think we all have short-term memory
loss, tells us their bloody back story again. Which is that they
were friends and then got together drunkenly one night.
Note to whoever made this: I don't have the memory of a goldfish
nor the patience of a saint.
At the airport Rox provides a long commentary as Rach takes a
while to come through customs. Waiting, waiting waiting. They kiss.
I like them, but I am suddenly struck by a feeling best described
by the words "What exactly is the point of this?" They have brought
one another gifts. What is it with these two and greeting cards?
Oh, Rox has bought them tickets to New York. Yeah, that's pretty
Meanwhile in trendy east
Jo Webber is back, baby! Just for a visit, mind you. East
London's very trendy we are incessantly reminded by Voice Over. I
resolve to keep my eyes painfully peeled for East London Fashion
and Lifestyle Tips that will improve my life. Jo W and Alisha sit
in a café and have what appears to be some quiche and salad, an
activity so unhip it is actually probably very cutting edge. Note
to self: find 70s cook books and begin quiche-rich east London
Quiche quaffed, Jo rides a toy horse and slaps its butt and thus
ends that segment of the show. We are 19 minutes in and I have
written more than 900 words, which is appalling. I need to be much
Lark about in Soho making a film about bohemia on a small video
recording device. Shabby is dressed like a Victorian boy. Shabby
has tried a whole lot of jobs. She smokes a Shisha pipe.
Jo Webber's dinner
She's going to be flat-sitting in, you guessed it,
skin-blisteringly fashionable east London. To celebrate, she is
going to have a big dinner party involving her mother in some way.
Oh, her mum's going to be cooking everything. Jo talks a lot. Does
she talk a lot to cover something up, I wonder, doing a bit of
amateur psychology. What is Jo avoiding talking about when she
talks about big chickens and whether or not they have the right
cutlery or whatever. What is so frightening about a moment of
silence? But that is for Jo to muse on, however, not me.
The guests arrive. They talk about sexuality. They talk about
"looking straight" and "two women… what do they do?"
I start to feel a bit faint, but maybe I'm hungry. It's 2.22pm
and I had lunch like, three hours ago. I head to the kitchen to
make some instant coffee, and then straight back into CBG.
At the dinner party, they start talking about strap-ons. "More
hummus? More hummus?" yells poor Mrs Webber, who has been coping
valiantly up to this point.
They play "Heterosexuals ask Lesbians Personal Questions, ie. Do
you want kids" which should be a BBC game show, really. Put it on
just before dinner-time and give the lesbian contestants expensive
prizes in exchange for opening themselves up to intrusive or stupid
questions. Give them houses and cars. I still wouldn't go on
Oh god, make it stop. I cover the screen with a word doc so I
don't have to watch.
Oh I do like to be beside
Shabby and her best buddy are in Brighton to persuade a TV
company to be interested in Shabby's idea for a TV show. They don't
have a pitch or anything. Then Shabby Gets Gassy (another TV show
idea I don't want to see get made).
They show the nice lady their shoot from the other day. Shabby
basically gets away with it because she is confident and a good
presenter. I like Shabby. She's optimistic, and the world needs
And The Unusual Scoop. She's writing up some sex toy advertorial
for Sh! it seems. She and some mates giggle over some sex toys for
a while. Sex toys are bits of plastic that you wiggle about inside
of you, if you are so inclined.
Shabby gets an
"Let's see if we can get you a show," says the nice lady.
Gary and Ku Bar
Gary is switching the girls' and boys' bars for a night. Candy
Bar becomes Candy Boys, while Ku Bar is for girls. Sam is trying to
get a chocolate fountain going to attract the ladies. Personally, I
don't look for molten chocolate when I'm looking for a bar. I look
for decently-priced drinks and good music. Then a pole dancer does
her stuff. Again, not for me, but that's fine. It seems to work for
a lot of people.
Is chatting up a storm on the Joel Kafetz radio show. Her mum is
a surprise mystery guest. Jo is surprised. I'm not. It was entirely
predictable. It's her mum's birthday. "Happy birthday Jo's mum!"
Then Jo's mum (oh, her name is Liz) and Jo do an LGBT news quiz.
Predictably, Liz wins. So does Jo, actually, as Joel offers her a
co-presenter job. Jo's chattiness is paying big dividends.
And that is all. Until next week's final episode, when the Candy
Bars will be on me!
No, they won't. They really won't.