It's the sixth and final episode of CBG and in this episode
Aussie Alex's mum will turn up, there will be team bonding and
"It's fine Gary."
As per usual, the first few minutes of this episode are a recap.
I have standards, however, and will not stoop to recapping a recap.
So go back and read the earlier recaps if you must. I have linked
to the last one, below.
Let us go then, you and I, to watch episode six, then.
Bar owner Gary is going on about Candy Bar and the Candy
Bar Launch Party
The plan is that there will be free champers and canapés made by
the fair hand of Christina Novelli, whose father is a chef.
Christina pulls pints at a pub, is a budding pop star and works for
her dad, who thinks she is tops, which is great. A good father
daughter relationship is a valuable and a lovely thing.
CN needs to come up with "sexy canapés" for the CB press launch
party. Not sure how sexy a bit of fish paste slopped on top of a
cold blini can be, but hey, give it a go, why not?
Meanwhile a brainstorming session
Is taking place in the Candy Bar back room. For the press launch
they need some big names to impress the press.
Now remember: in brainstorming, no ideas are rubbish.
"Annie Lennox", says Sam the Bar Manageress.
No disrespect, CBG, but are you freaking serious? Why not ask
Charlize Theron and Uma Thurman to drop by while you're at it?
Oh. Then Sam suggests Angelina Jolie. Sandra actually writes
this down. Sam adds Britney Spears and Madonna to her dream guest
list. Then Gaga and Goldfrapp. Truly they are brainstorming
Nostalgia time for your recapper
For now we hear a little bit of Men at Works' Land Down Under
from 1981, reader. God, that takes me back. This music is to herald
the arrival of Aussie Alex's mum, who is looking forward to all
that London city has to offer. She is particularly interested in
the double-decker buses.
Alex's mum finds herself standing in the heart of one of the
greatest cities in the world, outside Tottenham Court Road station
on Oxford Street, ie. in the middle of a huge, ugly, ongoing
building/construction site. She doesn't look hellishly
Voice Over takes this opportunity to remind us that Alex has a
fiancé. For once her reminder is needed; I had totally forgotten
about Alex's partner Sam who proposed to her in Paris way back
when. We see some shots of them kissing and stuff. Sam the fiancé
has very similar hair to Alex. I wonder if they ever see the other
person in their peripheral vision and think for a split second that
they've seen a mirror?
Aussie Alex's Aussie Mum's catch phrase is "How good is that", a
rhetorical catch phrase. She also keeps thinking she's just
narrowly avoided being run over. I like her a lot.
Gary and the team
Are in Brighton so Gary can reward the team for all their hard
work. They go for a drink and then on the dodgems where the "girls"
repay Gary's generosity by targeting him for head-on collisions. He
calls them the B-word (bullies) but then buys them all chips and
wine that they scoff on the waterfront. Gary is officially a
Is learning to pull pints with Christina Novelli. She also
learns how to use a till and pour cider. As you can imagine , this
is all hugely dramatic stuff. You know, I'm pretty sure I will
never watch reality TV again after this. Not because CBG is a bad
show, but because it has made me more aware that:
A) Life is too short for all this TV
B) A good script is what makes good TV
Just my opinion, of course, but it's also true.
Part III of CBG 6
Jo Davis has been teaching and she loves it. She's single. What
happened to Daisy, the barrister she lived and loved and quarreled
with before? Who knows! She has vanished into the mists of lesbian
Jo is going to be DJ-ing the Candy Bar re-launch press party
ding-dong. See, this is how this will all sort of tie together in
some kind of a way. It'll be her last gig or whatever and she says
that ideally she'll "pull some really fit women." Plural. I am
really not feeling a connection to DJ Jo right now, but once again
this is merely a personal response.
Gary and Maintenance Michael
Are putting up a new sign outside. This is riveting stuff that
with every passing second is re-affiirming my earlier feeling that
I will never watch TV again once I have finished watching this.
Inside Sandra is wearing a huge scarf
She and Gary excitedly unpack some DIVA freebies. It's mainly
Back to Michael
Who is up a ladder and can't drill a sign properly or something.
I'm not too clear as my eyes unfocused at this point for a minute
or two and my brain drifted off to think about something infinitely
more important and interesting.
Back to Christina
And the GD canapés. Natalie is helping. I like Natalie a lot.
She seems like a good person. Ditto Christina. Ditto Beth Ditto who
isn't in this show, but it would be cool if she had been.
Natalie is cutting bagels and pouring chocolate and alcohol into
shot glasses. And then: "Is that what an avocado looks like?" she
asks. My head is in my hands, reader.
She's never had salmon before either unless I have dozed off and
misunderstood. Was she raised by wolves?
Christina and Natalie are running late, reader! Watch Candy Bar
Girls ratchet up the tension!
Back at the Candy Bar
The Candy Bar Girls are getting spray tans and hair-dos. I
suspect the launch party will be held in near darkness, so this is
all fairly pointless.
Fernando, a hairdresser in a hot pink t-shirt and hat, is
ever-so-lightly pinging my highly-tuned gaydar. He asks Aussie Alex
about her love life. "Lesbians are monogamous," says Alex, somehow
suggesting that gay men may not be, but then this is just another
quibble, reader. Moving on.
Gary is again fussing about the Candy Bar exterior. Mate - no
one will notice or care. Honestly. Sometimes it seems to me that
everyone else on this earth thinks we are all immortal.
Gary erects a massive pole or some similar joke. Gary gives a
shit about what the staff are going to be wearing. Again, I suspect
no one else will. Fernando has objected to Aussie Alex's suggestion
that gay men are not monogamous and has styled her like a My Little
Pony crossed with Rihanna. A cute guy having a cigarette with Gary
has a bit of an unkind laugh as she walks past.
Nearly there reader!
Back with Christina
The canapés are running very late. They look awful. I'm sorry,
but it's true. Very lightly toasted bagels with a glob of avocado
and too much salmon going brown on top. Ick, darling, ick ick!
Christina Novelli and Natalie get cabs to the bar with their
canapés. For a bit they can't find a fridge, but then they do. So,
this is what passes for TV drama these days.
At last, the VIPs are on the way. Who can we expect, readers?
It's Shabby, who claims to like the pics of the staff on the
wall. I like Shabby. No, not in that way, reader! I like her
optimism and energy. Jo Webber and Alisha arrive. I like Jo too,
she's cheerful. Joel Kafetz is outside talking to DJ Jo Davis.
Gary hates the music. People gobble canapés. Gary flaps about
accusing Sandra of being a drama queen.
Natalie and DJ Jo seem to be getting on. Then Natalie says
something crass and I frown a bit. I cannot be doing with
Then Gary says he did it all out of philanthropy, not just to
make himself some money selling booze (I paraphrase) and it's all
So, what did you think?