Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. Welcome
aboard this DIVA-001 flight from London to New York City, bitches.
Pam Ann will be your stewardess and please feel free to ask her for
anything… that's ANYTHING during this flight. Please follow all
safety instructions whilst aboard this aircraft and, in the event
of an emergency, make your way to nearest exit and just CALM
Pam Ann is no stranger to flying; from Australia to Singapore,
Stuttgart to Dublin, Pam has been there, done him and got the
cutest of cute t-shirt. Her new live DVD, filmed in Manhattan, is
packed full of her experiences from the *not so* glamorous world of
air travel. Warning, this is not for the faint-hearted.
Do you remember the good old days of flying? When you could
smoke on planes? Carry real knives in hand luggage? Write the word
'BOMB' on a sick bag for a cheap joke? Pam does, and she misses
those days; "have you ever tried to carve a chateaubriand with a
plastic knife?!" It must be hard being an air hostess, having to
talk to the people in the economy seats. I mean, there's a reason
they're in 'coach' class. Picture it; Pam is popping open a chilled
bottle of champagne for the gays in business class and she can hear
the economy seats bitching about their drinks; "aw, are you thirsty
back there in coach? Dig a well."
The DVD is very much an education re. airlines and their staff.
For example, I didn't know that Ryanair staff like to river dance
the flight between Cork and Dublin eight times a day. Nor did I
know that genies and camels provide entertainment on Emirates
flights. Amazing eh?
Safety is, obviously, paramount when flying. Luckily for
passengers, Kate Middleton is now involved with the safety training
on British Airways flights. All stewards, when faced with the task
of evacuating five hundred passengers from a burning aircraft,
should stop and ask themselves "What would Kate do?" And, of
course, the very comforting answer to that is "Nothing, cos she's
If this flight is your first experience of Pam Ann, then you may
well hit some turbulence mid-air. Her acerbic, crude and
politically incorrect comedy is sometimes hard to swallow with the
complimentary drink and, if you are easily offended, I suggest you
fly with another airline in future. However, if you enjoy your
inflight entertainment witty, fast and ever so queer, then Pam Ann
is the hostess for you. Also, if you squint whilst she's singing,
Pam looks like a dark-haired Dusty Springfield, though she does not
sound like her.
Pam Ann 'Non-Stop' - Live from New York City will be landing on
British soil from 12 November. Please collect it, along with your
luggage, from the carousel and immediately proceed through passport
control to the duty free for a large bottle of gin; you're going to
Once again, I would like to thank you for traveling aboard Pam
Ann airlines and we look forward to you flying with us again…
unless you're French; "Speak English, we know you can."
Pam Ann is available on DVD from 12 November
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