Have you've ever tried to eat a big meatball that's sitting in a
pool of oil, on a polystyrene tray, while walking, with a blunt
plastic fork? I imagine it's the sort of challenge that Bear Grylls
eats for breakfast. I, on the other hand, am struggling to eat it
for lunch.
Instead of rushing to my aid, the bloke with me, a big fan of the
double entendre says, "Pop the whole ball in your mouth" and gives
me a cheeky 'wink wink'. Everything is a rich sauce of innuendo
where he's concerned, so this meatball is a gift. Suddenly it looks
less like lunch and more like something I've seen recently on
Embarrassing Bodies - and picturing Dr. Christian rolling it
between his thumb and forefinger is a very effective appetite
suppressant.
Don't get me wrong, I like a little 'fnarr fnarr' as much as the
next person, but because the innuendos are generally hetero themed
they don't always work. At a BBQ recently someone painfully
laboured an innuendo about me getting some 'pork'. When
you're a lesbian pork is just pork. If you're going to make an
innuendo, at least make it work. Ask if I'd like to see your
'kebab'. We owe the memory of Jade Goody that much.
My friend is still goading me about the bloody meatball, so I
decide to let him in on a secret. No one ever believes me, but I
have a ridiculously small mouth. At first my dentist couldn't
believe it either. She even called my girlfriend out of the waiting
room to come laugh at me attempting to 'open wide'. My girlfriend
said when she popped the mouth mirror in it was like watching a
postman stuffing a large Amazon parcel through a small letterbox.
I'd have to dislocate my jaw anaconda style to do what this bloke
is suggesting.
Poking at my meatball, I confess, "It's too big. I couldn't fit it
in my mouth. Just ask my girlfriend."
He looks at me in disgust. "Ugh. That's WAY too much
information."
He clearly thinks I'm making an innuendo of my own, but I don't
really understand what he's getting at. I'm a lesbian. Exactly what
part of my girlfriend's body did he imagine me stuffing into my
tiny opening? Her elbow? Can't he see that he's trying to crowbar a
cock innuendo into my innocent small mouth comment, and it doesn't
fit. Some innuendos simply don't translate.
I don't want to carry on this conversation any longer, so I spear
my poor beleaguered ball and chuck it in the nearest bin. "I've
never really cared for balls." (Said the lesbian to the annoying
straight bloke).
