The BBC is clearly bringing out the big guns in the
war for television ratings. Lesbians are being deployed as weapon
of mass distraction. What's that? You say there's going to be
covert corset-caressing by some very friendly flappers? What
Downton Abbey?
A few series ago, when ratings took a hit, Grey's
Anatomy called for an emergency injection of lesbians. "Doctor
Torres, come quick, these ratings have fallen badly. I think we're
losing them!" Luckily Torres saved the day. "Get me a steamy
sapphic storyline. Stat!" In Nip Tuck, Joely
Richardson's character Julia was slipping into a could-care-less
coma, until our lovely Portia turned up to shag her interesting
again.
Last night I was channel-surfing and I got sucked into watching
an old Desperate Housewives. This was a first for
me. I don't normally 'do' Desperate Housewives, but I was
instantly hooked by their 'shock lesbian story line'. One minute
the housewife is straight, the next she's put down her chardonnay
and is standing in front of her scantily-dressed gal-pal
announcing, "Ta-da, I'm a lesbian". Ratings must have been
bad. They're more desperate than I thought.
The surprise lesbian reveal is generally nothing more than a
temporary device to boost ratings. It usually occurs towards the
end of season three or four, when story-lines have begun to get a
bit dog-eared. Lesbians are introduced, they 'spice things
up', and then they disappear. They're the plot equivalent of
edible underwear. Don't get me wrong, I love a lesbian on my
box as much as the next person, but I'm concerned about them being
so disposable.
The lesbian story-line rarely continues happily into the
following series - that's television law. Once actors have put on
sensible shoes they invariably 'move away', return to being
straight or die. The Desperate Lesbian had to up-sticks
from Wisteria Lane, Irene Adler was rescued from her gayness
by Sherlock and poor old Portia died on the table during a
failed face-lift.
Sadly, I fear it won't be long before she is joined in the
lesbian green room in the sky by one of those Upstairs
Downstairs lezzers, having taken a nasty tumble.
(That said, however, I will be tuning in, of course. I can't
resist a good 'ratings boost'.)
