I'd never really understood the attraction of so-called
"horsey-types". That all changed this week when a glutealy-gifted
waitress wearing jodhpurs served me at The Stables Market.
Holy Horse & Hound Batman! I had to pinch myself. I'd popped
out for a quick drink with my friend, and somehow we'd stumbled
onto the set of a Jilly Cooper series.
This woman had the most round, perfectly rock hard behind, I think
I've ever seen in the flesh. Okay so it wasn't in the flesh; but
in-the-flesh-coloured-corduroy-ribbed-stretch-fabric was definitely
the next best thing.
The jodhpurs revealed her callipygian curves perfectly, and they
were a work of art. Sitting on that behind would be a complete
waste. She'd made the maximus of her gluteus, and wasn't afraid to
put it on show - it belonged behind a velvet rope.
I wasn't alone in my admiration. My straight girlfriend, also
filled with wonder, leant towards me and whispered, "...have you
seen that woman's butt?" Seen it? I'd been studying it so hard for
the last five minutes it could have been my chosen subject on
Mastermind.
I didn't want to look. It was okay for my straight friend, but I
didn't feel right. I felt sleazy - like a bloke. It might harmless
now, but where would it end, a patronising pat on the bum when she
returned with drinks? This had to stop. But try as I might my eyes
kept being drawn towards her - it was hypnotizing. I was only able
to sit and stare - a rabbit caught in taillights.
Finally she arrived to take our order, and to my horror, I found
myself eye level with her reinforced crotch. I stared intently at
my drinks menu. Eyes down. Eyes down. Just be cool. She has no idea
you've been staring at her bum. Just order a drink. Any drink. God
why can't I read this menu. That was when she reached across to me
take hold of my menu and reoriented it.
After that we stayed for one drink before calling it a night; our
waitress to ride off into the sunset, and me to trot home feeling
very lame.
