Just as Eskimos have many different words to describe snow, so
my friend is no slouch either when it comes to boobs. If talking
about women was a language, he'd be a fluent native and I'd be
struggling to read the menu.
He surprised me in a Shoreditch pub this week with the words,
'bap slap', explaining that he discovered the term at a pool party
in Vegas. Two naked girls introduced themselves to him this way and
I get the feeling he'd like to see it to catch on. Saying 'hello'
with nipples might be de rigueur in sin city but I'm not convinced
it'll take off in Teddington.
Mister boob man hasn't finished, though. He carries on
describing their shape, movement, appearance, and others' reactions
and expressions, like an excited geyser. Just when I think he's
finished, he discharges more adjectives; 'glistening', 'hardening',
'pert', 'soft' etc. Who knew breasts could be eager? Not me. Mine
are withdrawn; they need support and hand-holding.
Hearing him describe the event is impressive. I might be an out
lesbian, but talking openly about my desire for women and their
bodies isn't second nature. It's a process, like learning a new
language. I've been getting by with nouns and no adjectives. 'Tits'
I can handle, but I can't embellish. My technique is like my dad's
when ordering a cheese sandwich in France - a single word
accompanied by some furious pointing.
I wonder what it would it feel like to have such an massive
vocab and to talk about women with such ease. Compared to him I
feel ill-equipped and clumsy, like a Brit abroad. I have diction
That's when he leans in, all conspiratorial, and gives me my cue
'Were they cute?'
Cute is my one go-to adjective but in this context it's woefully
inadequate. Little baby ducks swimming in formation, that's cute.
But two women letting their mams make the introductions deserves
'They were totally into it.' He patiently corrects me adding,
'they touched nipples.' Incase I missed it.
'Were they a couple?'
It's an important question because as a lesbian I have a filter
for what I find sexy, for example, straight girls putting on a show
for the boys not sexy. Straight men don't have this filter; it's
unnecessary, like an appendix.
He doesn't understand the question so he repeats again, this
time a little louder and exaggerating the words in an effort to
make them more intelligible.
'THEY. TOUCHED. NIPPLES!' Finally his descriptive abilities have
hit a wall. Then wistfully he adds, 'Girl's are great.'
Now you're speaking my language!