"You're a lesbian. Great. We're totally fine with that."
If there is one thing that's worse than telling people that I'm
lesbian, it's listening to them tell me how "okay" they are with
it.
From time to time I have to reveal my sexuality as necessary
context for a story. I'm not making a "statement", I'm not seeking
approval, I'm explaining why having two blokes from the council in
your bedroom at 2am, with noise monitoring equipment, isn't my idea
of a good time.
I don't want to make a drama out of it, because to me it's just a
fact of life - like cellulite. Not so for the people I tell. They
feel compelled to either offer me useless platitudes like, "you
can't help who you fall in love with", or let me how REALLY okay
they are with it. No. Really.
"Congratulations!" people say, as if I've announced I've won the
gene pool lotto. It's difficult to know how to respond to such
expressions of joy at my sapphic success except to say, "Thanks, I
just got lucky."
Some greet the news with a level of enthusiasm usually reserved
for the words "Free Bar". They just keep repeating "GREAT. That's
really GREAT." Great is deployed immediately on hearing the word
lesbian. It's like a conversational airbag - designed to protect
them from the full impact of what you are saying.
"It doesn't bother us.", or "We're fine with it." is usually the
precursor to a very dull story involving 'another lesbian' they've
met. "We had an accountant once who was a lesbian. She was very
nice." The connection is always as tenuous as mobile signal outside
the M25.
A girl I told this week responded by saying, "I wish I'd done that
before I got married." I think she was confusing being a lesbian
with taking a gap year. Either that or she had she forgotten to add
"lesbianism" to her wedding planning checklist - it usually follows
"book hen night in Magaluf".
I prefer it when people just act normal and don't feel the need to
talk to me about "lesbian" things, or impress me with their
impressive bank of lesbian trivia.
For the record: Martina Navratilova was the best ever Wimbledon
champion, I agree Ellen is very funny, and Jonathon Ross's daughter
is also a lesbian. And before you ask - I don't know any of
them.
