My period has suddenly stopped automatically syncing with my
girlfriend's. I need to reboot my cycle.
It feels like we've had 'the painters in' for months without a
break. They're clearly "painting the Forth Bridge". The minute
they're done they just start again. Haven't they heard of tea
breaks?
At first, our 'time of the month' happened at different times of
the month. But the longer we were together the closer the dates got
to each other. After a year of keeping my ovulatory independence I
decided to go with the flow.
This so called 'synchronised ovulation' is a quirk of evolution.
People say it occurred so that the females were in sync with the
Alpha female and ready for impregnation when the cavemen came back
from hunting. I prefer to think of it as a way to allow all the
chicks in the group to get it on with each other, while the blokes
were off playing with their primitive tools.
A joint period, like a joint account, makes the monthly ins and
outs easier to manage. You know exactly many hours to allocate to
being narky, bleeding, and eating Peppermint Aero, and what's left
over for fun and games.
But suddenly we're out of sync. We've lost our regular rhythm and
we're completely out of tune with one another. We're the
pre-menstrual equivalent of a pre-school orchestra.
Meanwhile the house is bursting with sanitary accoutrement - it's
a curse. I can't open a drawer, a bag or a coat pocket without a
Lil-Let flying out. That's not to mention the ubiquitous tampon
lurking at the bottom of the fruit bowl.
The worse part of this miserable menstrual relay is that it's
seemingly never ending. As soon as I complete my leg I pass the
baton on to my girlfriend for the cycle to begin all over again.
I've worked out that there's only a half an hour window each month
when Aunt Flo isn't visiting, and it usually coincides with 30
Rock.
This interminable period has overstayed it's welcome. It's become
the last dinner party straggler lingering on too long at the end of
an evening. We want to sneak off to bed , but it's cracked open the
Pernod and put Stone Roses on the Ipod.
Please God just make it go. There's nothing else for it, I'll have
to call it a cab.
