He showed me to a seat while he finished flirting with the cute
woman he was already serving. Not only was she visually impaired,
sadly she also had a screw loose - literally and figuratively. She
was actually humouring this man and smiled politely when he offered
to give her a "free screw".
One cringe-worthy exchange over, he turned his sights on me: "Why
is your boyfriend not here to help you choose glasses?" Hmm, let me
think … because he's playing fantasy football with Santa Claus, the
Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy. (They don't exist either).
I came for an eye test not an inquisition, so instead of getting
into it, I mumble something about him being "busy".
Don't get me wrong, I like to flirt with men as much as the next
lesbian but this guy with his huge ego and equally huge rims had
zero specs appeaI. I wanted to warn him that I was impervious to
his charm, that he could not penetrate my sleeze-proof vest, and
that any moment I was going to whip out my lesbian card and caution
him against inappropriate flirting. Instead, I just tried to avoid
We adjourn downstairs to a darkened room and I am suddenly alone
with him; just him and his instruments. That's when the nasal
noise begins. He starts making that loud noise - those big
exhalations of air - that only men make. He sounds like a walrus
yawning. The room is so small I'm worried I'm going to be
I'd forgotten that opticians are really in-your-face. The last
time a bloke got that close to me Oasis had a number one single. He
instructs me to look straight ahead but all I can focus on is his
nostril hair. It's out of control. He's looks me in the eyes and
asks, "better with or without?" Definitely better without - get it
Back upstairs and his verdict is in: I need reading glasses. He
picks out some glasses for me try, and is even able to make my
having a "wide face" sound like a positive. "Those look geeky
sexy", he says approvingly as I try on some frames, and quickly
qualifies, "...with the emphasis on sexy". I'm starting to like
He was right, I don't usually suit glasses but these ones weren't
bad. Maybe he wasn't that bad after all. He wasn't a sleeze, he was
actually quite charming.
Cleary I had been a little short sighted.