We've just had a visit from The Homo Inspector. She was no Alex
Polizzi, but I'm pleased to say that she gave our 'lesbian
lifestyle' her highly commended Four Star seal of approval. I'm
just wondering where to stick the rosette.
The woman in question was a friend of my girlfriends; recently
divorced from her husband she came to stay with us for a change of
scene and a quiet break from her three kids for a few days.
She entered the house, put her bags down, and announced, "Welcome
to the lesbian lifestyle!"
Uh oh! There's been a misunderstanding. She thinks she's booked a
'lesbian lifestyle', and all we had available is a plain ole
lifestyle. This has happened to us before. People think they're
getting late nights and clubbing, and when they find out it's
Frozen Planet and fajitas they demand a refund.
I needn't have worried in this case, because she was full of
praise. Everything from our light and airy low-key lesbian décor,
to our locally sourced ethically produced lesbian bacon met with
her approval. We couldn't make a tea, eat an olive, or read a paper
without her crediting it's success entirely to our 'lesbian
A simple morning coffee prompted her to well up, "Wow. Fresh
coffee. I could totally get used to this 'lesbian lifestyle'." I
tried to explain that fresh coffee is not technically part of the
lifestyle, it comes as standard. She wouldn't have it; apparently,
the men she's dated don't place the same emphasis on a freshly
cracked bean in the morning; which is a shame really.
Dinner that night and once again she was effusive, "You are so
lucky to be able to eat sushi together." In her experience men
don't consider sushi to be a meal, so she never gets to indulge
(yes there may be a subtext here). I tried to suggest it might just
be down to personal taste, but she was adamant that sushi à deux
was most definitely another privilege of the 'lesbian
When it came time for checking out, she insisted on a group hug
and one final pep talk before she left. "I'm so proud of you. You
guys have really created a great lifestyle for yourselves." And
with that she assured us that she would definitely be recommending
the 'lesbian lifestyle' to her all her friends.