There are too many babes in this relationship
At dinner with my girlfriend this week I had penne arrabiata and a
revelation: our conversation has become a chorus of "babe" this and
"babe" that. We've started to sound like a broken Take That
record.
"Babe, can you pass me the Parmesan." "More wine babe?" "Thanks
babe."
The gap between our "babes" is getting smaller. What if it
disappears altogether and we lose our ability to string a sentence
together? We won't be able to communicate with other people. We'll
be forced to go and live in the woods. It will be like watching
Nell, but in reverse.
It's already happening. We can anticipate the other's needs simply
from the tone of the delivery. "Bay-buh" means I'm hungry; "ba-BBB"
I want some attention; "BAY-bhhh" don't get mad, but I forgot to
record Spooks.
It never used to be this way. When my girlfriend and I first
merged we didn't know what to call each other. "Hey you" only gets
you so far, so we defaulted to first names. We sounded less like
lovers and more like primary school teachers taking a
register.
We really struggled to find a pet name that was fit for purpose;
something romantic yet ambiguous. Darling sounded too straight,
sweetie was too sugary, and cupcake didn't last long (the downside
of an edible name).
Then one day we were shopping in IKEA and between the KARENS and
the OVANTAD's my girlfriend said, "Babe what about this one?" We
liked it so much - the word, not the vase - we took it home.
Babe ticked both our lesbian boxes: romantic when just the two of
us, but we could still holler "Babe don't forget my nuts" in a
dodgy pub without anyone raising an eyebrow.
Somewhere along the way we've gone from occasional usage to
back-to-back babes. It's become a serious 40-a-day habit. We have
to start cutting down, and allow ourselves only the ones we babes
we can't do without - the ones after dinner or at festivals.
Babe really ought to come with a health warning: this word is
seriously addictive.
