I want to wrestle a bear.
It's a school night. I've got friends arriving any minute but I've
got a strange urge to grapple a grizzly. There's only one
explanation for this: I'm wearing a bandana.
I had no idea that the addition of some hanky head furniture would
make me feel so badass -- but I'm loving it! I'm going to change my
name to Snake and get an eye patch or some flaming tattoos.
I'm trying to apply eyeliner but it's impossible with a bandana
on. Try as I might to put it on in the normal way I'm compelled to
smudge a little under each eye, Rambo-style. If I didn't have
dinner guests I'd venture into war-torn Burma and rescue a group of
Christian aid workers, but the pork chops won't cook
I've also started walking like there's a space hopper between my
legs. I have Cher Lloyd's swag on and I'm so badass I'm not even
going to return it, not even if she asks me nicely.
The virtues of bandana wearing are something of a revelation. So
far I've only encountered one negative: you can't really drink gin
and tonic whilst wearing a bandana. Oh well, I'll just have to
crack open a beer - with my teeth.
The doorbell rings and because I'm wearing my bandana I don't
rush. I strut over to the door and stand one hand on the door frame
and the other on my hip, oozing confidence. My friend thrusts a
Poinsettia at me, clocks the bandana and says, "Why are you dressed
like a sushi chef?"
I visibly deflate. She's taken the wind out of my hanky.
I've never worn a bandana because when I was younger I was afraid
it would make me look like a great big lesbian. Apparently I
needn't have worried, because it turns out I am a great big lesbian
and the bandana actually makes me look like a benevolent sushi
My friend informs me that I've made the classic bandana-virgin
error and gone too narrow. I need more girth. I was hoping I'd be
able to rock it like Axl Rose, but it's a poor imitation. It's
muzak bandana. Women won't be throwing their underwear at me, only
their sushi orders.
Oh well, I've leant a valuable lesson: while it's easy to put on a
bandana, it's much harder to pull it off. And somewhere in North
London a grizzly bear heaves a sigh of relief.