I love a good spa session. Away from the monotonous rigours of
the office (squinting, neck craning and Facebook) nothing beats
three nimble Thai ladies running up your back faster than an
escalator rampage at Victoria Station. But if you're anything like
me (in other words a little bit British) you may become shy in the
changing rooms, especially when sandwiched between a couple of
immodest Germans shamelessly slapping lotion over each other.
Here's my do's and don'ts guide to avoiding embarrassment, mishaps
and misplacing the soap.
Scenario 1: In the changing room with a group of women,
at least one of whom you fancy:
DO: Change within a two metre proximity of the
chosen one, suggestively lowering the edge of your towel to reveal
just enough curvature to prompt a lascivious look. Follow up with a
cheeky, 'I actually meant to flash but I'm going to feign coy
DON'T: Grab your best mate and challenge her to
a game of naked limbo in an endeavor to showcase your assets on a
Scenario 2: About to enter a saltwater jacuzzi
with a group of women, at least one of whom you fancy:
DO: Have a quick, discreet pow wow with your
crew to mentally sketch a comprehensive seating plan ensuring you
are within earshot, having the reach to 'accidentally' place a
lingering hand on a wandering thigh if the mood takes you.
DON'T: Pass gas and blame it on the bubbles.
This is distinctly unacceptable in ALL circumstances! Additionally,
belly flop splashes can only lead to all manner of unsightly
wedgies, partial nipple exposure and final dismissal.
Scenario 3: Once you are quite sure your romantic
pursuit has not been in vain, it's time to have a good scrub 'n'
freshen up. Ms Hottie von Hawt Hawt jumps into the adjacent shower
cubicle. It's late and your mates have 'conveniently' left you two
alone. Your bikinis are both tossed over the translucent partition
wall. She wiggles a pedicured toe under the door and asks to borrow
your organic, deeply penetrating shampoo.
DO: Say yes! I don't care if it cost you a
tenner from Whole Foods, being tight does not a romance make! Take
a moment to lather up a sizeable amount in your palm, unlock your
door and lean across waiting to see whether she lets you in to
soapsud her down, down, down.
DON'T: Bang on her door and march into her
chamber of steamy loveliness in your towel, waiting to get wet
before the 'garment' flops down on the tiles, much to her annoyance
and your subsequent rejection.
For further insights on how to behave/misbehave in front of a
camera crew on a Valentine's Day spa break with the missus, check
out the Episode 3 of Candy Bar Girls on Channel 5, Thursday at
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with your video opinions, views and satire about Candy Bar Girls.
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