I think I may have just inadvertently, in a roundabout way,
inferred that my girlfriend is a bit 'slutty' -- to her parents. As
opening gambits go it wasn't my finest. I should perhaps have stuck
with convention and congratulated them on the breakfast buffet with
a simple, "nice spread."
They were talking about a TV show named 'Slutty Island', and I
don't know why but I felt compelled to make a joke and say,
'"That's the way I like my women - slutty." I temporarily forgot
that since their daughter is my girlfriend that places her firmly
within this category. When I realised it wasn't going to be funny I
took my foot off the joke voice pedal so it faltered and came out
sounding like a statement of fact.
It was a record scratch moment. Everyone looked to me for an
explanation, including my girlfriend who went from not really
'slutty', to properly angry in under 60 seconds. It was too late to
retract it and say, "Did I say slutty? What I meant was really
smart and extremely chaste." The information, albeit false, was out
there. I could see that my in-laws were now processing the
revelation that their daughter may a little loose in the bedroom -
like an IKEA bookcase.
To complicate matters further I'm not sure her parents have any
concept of what we even do in the bedroom, let alone what
activities might constitute 'slutty'. Come to think of it I'm not
sure I know either, but her dad is now looking at me as if I am
most definitely furnished with this information. And who can blame
him? Leaning against the breakfast bar in my robe I've got a look
of the legendary patriarch of the Playboy empire. Oh well, if the
captain's cap fits.
Finally, after a heavily pregnant pause my girlfriend's mother
picked up the plate in front of her and said, "Can I tempt you to a
fresh muffin". Steam was coming off it, so she was clearly hoping
it would burn my mouth sufficiently to prevent me from casting
further aspersions on her daughter. "Wow that's hot! Just the way I
like my...." my words hung in the air, "...muffins."
Follow Sarah on Twitter: @rubbishles