About a month ago my male gay friend tagged me in a Facebook
note called Guardian Ming.
"Maybe I should stop reading The Guardian. Pure filth that made me
gip more than once, this," he said quoting an article on pubic hair
removal that contained more than one synonym for our, well, private
bits. Vagina, quim, snatch, pudenda, Christmas goose, laser flange,
it was all packed into four lines of journalism and my man-loving
friend was feeling sick.
His note sparked an influx of LOLs and soon the long list of vag
names was ever growing. Front bum, gash, axe wound, wizard's
sleeve, party cave, foofoo, pleasure dome and whispering eye. Oh
and of course my girlfriend had to bring up the time we talked
about handbag fashion and I came up with the unforgivable phrase
"what's that bag called, a clunge?" A clutch, more like it.
The Facebook banter had me in tears. Oh my, it is a fanny topic.
the Guardian article raises a valid point; why are we imitating
porn stars, why do we want to look like children down there?
Now, I have lately (out of pure curiosity, of course) been
thinking about giving my nether region a Brazilian beating and
being the wax virgin that I am I consulted my friends on the
It turns out most of my straight lady friends blitz their bits on
a regular basis. Whilst some argued they would never dare do it
themselves and always let an unknown pro trim their down-there fro,
others claimed they would much rather handle the goochie grooming
I'm no prude (I'm Swedish, so where I'm from saunas and gym
showers contain no cubicles, we just get naked. Deal with it) and I
don't fear the gynaecologist but the idea of a person ripping out
hair down there makes me feel ever so slightly uncomfortable.
So, it would make sense to do it myself, I thought. That is until
one friend told me about the time she ran out of the wax removal
strips you apparently need to clean up the area post hair removal.
She tried every lotion and cream in the house without result and
eventually had to resort to the nail varnish remover.
"It literally set my whole vagina on fire," she said. "Bastarding
Hold on, there's a word we don't use: the c-word.
The point I am trying to make, ladies, is that our pixie place is
a pretty funny one. Don't take it too seriously. I mean, don't get
me wrong, I praise my girlfriend's gigglebox to the heavens but
don't stress about the looks of your Goblet of fire.
In Denmark an artist put out a pussy picture machine where
everyone could take a picture of their candy patch (I told you us
Scandinavians are relaxed about these things) and the exhibition
that followed showed that very few of us look like porn stars, or
children. And it wasn't that minging either.
What are your favourite Netherlands names? See loveyourvagina.com
for inspiration. Please note what tops this list. Boosh. The Mighty
Also, do hit me with your thoughts on flunge fluff and mooncups
(my long distance girlfriend is coming to visit and we may be
facing some period clashing. I don't want a messed up menstruation
station, if you know what I mean).