Dear Hot Stuff,
I'm freaked out by the relationship that my current
girlfriend has with her ex. They are best friends - calling one
another all the time and sleeping over about once a week. They've
been broken up for around a year and I'm just not sure it's been
enough time. They still call each other by their affectionate
names.... It's a bit weird, isn't it? Plus, I did a bad thing. I
broke into her telephone read her text messages. They look exactly
like the text messages she sends me, all lovey-dovey but nothing
sexual.
I feel bad for having looked though. What should I
do?
Camille from Hexham
Dear Hacker from Hexham,
I have regular emails in regard to this issue. I think it
wouldn't be too far from the mark to suggest that intense proximity
between lesbian exes is really rather commonplace. As someone who
actually enjoys an exceptionally close relationship with my own ex,
I'm inclined not to be intimidated when I go out with people who
are familiar with this kind of closeness. Moreover, I actually
think it's a sign of emotional maturity. It's saying: 'Hey, we are
no longer together, but I'm not going to let all of that love and
all of that energy go to waste.'
Having said all of that, there are, of course, limits.
It's up to you to establish where these limits are and how to
impose them, together. If you genuinely feel them sleeping together
(as friends) to be too much for you then tell your girlfriend that
you're uncomfortable with it. Only by entering into a conversation
with her can you establish if it's innocent or not.
Dialogue, conversation and negotiation, these are the keys to
this kind of sensitive subject. Again, I know because I've been
there. The thing you have to understand is that, exes or not, they
are best friends and until the day that you become her best friend,
you can't interfere with that friendship. UNLESS, you have a really
serious feeling that something a little more than friendly is
afoot.
What did you find in her messages that you didn't already know?
Do you feel better or worse for having looked? If you genuinely
suspect your girlfriend of being dishonest about the nature of her
feelings/relationship with her ex, don't make it worse by lying
too.
You know the way forward. Communication, understanding and
compromise from both parties.
Have an issue that you would like to see
treated? All queries will be kept anonymous, except of course
if tweeted, in which case they might be a little less
anonymous.

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