Bah humbug. It's that time of year again; small forests of
doomed firs are appearing on former petrol station forecourts and
H&M have unveiled this year's party lesbians - pretty ladies in
sparkly dresses lick each other's ears at every bus-shelter I
I wouldn't mind any of this except it all reminds me that I've
got approximately 5.7 seconds to get my Santa act together if my
nearest and dearest are going to have anything to open under the
tree this year.
So thank the good lord in heaven and all his sainted reindeer
for Twisted Twee.
No more high street hell for me. No more ploughing through the
Argos catalogue in search of that perfect wicker umbrella stand or
dithering in the connoisseur vinegar aisle at Waitrose.
I'll be blowing the Christmas budget at this online emporium of
Twisted Twee offers something for everyone, including the planet
since it's almost all organic "where possible".
For Tory Uncle John, I'll buy
big knickers emblazoned with David Cameron's face ("for men who
dress to the right"). Just the ticket at £15.
For my beleaguered cousin Lynn, a
self-help t-shirt that reads "Damn You're A Good Mother" when
you stand in front of the mirror; cheaper than therapy at £20.
As Phyllis Diller advised: "Never go to bed on an argument. Stay
up and fight." For Mum and Dad, still bickering after all these
pillows (arm yourself with "Fighter One" or "Fighter Two") -
the perfect gift at £20.
My nieces will enjoy discovering how to use the Magic
Pocket Money Cloth ("Ask an adult how it works") almost as much
as my sister will enjoy the spectacle of them rubbing it on the
pots and pans while she sits back with a large G&T. Everyone's
My friend Sam will love subverting the sexist expectations of
her in-laws this Christmas when she presents their tiny new
grandson - bearer of their precious genes and Family Name -
bedecked in a terrifically confusing baby-grow (pictured). Defy the gender
binary, £16. (And is there one for girls, I hear you clamour?
Yes, of course
Honestly, just poking around Twisted Twee's online
shop entertains me and cheers me up. It's certainly a lot
better than wedging yourself onto the escalator at John Lewis,
where the baskets have all been snapped up already. (It's not a
good start, is it, when the baskets have all gone before you even
start rummaging around in the gents bloomers section for those rare
Calvin Klein boxers in the popular size that your beloved covets.
Forget those. And forget everything else on your carefully-compiled
shopping list too, while you're at it. That stuff has
gone. Get thee to the novelty vinegar aisle.)
Do yourself a favour and head for Twisted Twee. (Do it now. The
deadline for Christmas deliveries is tomorrow, 14 December.)
You'll be glad you did.