A week ago my girlfriend uttered those magic words "fancy a bit
of fun?" Now, usually I don't need to be asked twice (particularly
when it's not me doing the begging, ahem, suggesting) but when she
followed up the question by diving into the drawer next to our bed
and flourishing a large dildo in my face, shouting "surprise" I
suddenly wanted to be anywhere else.
At the mention of a dildo, I'll admit I didn't react very well.
"So I'm not good enough for you," I said accusingly. "You obviously
don't love me; do you know how inferior that makes me feel? Why do
you need to introduce a representation of a man into our bedroom?"
And the ultimate clangers, "does this mean you're straight now?
Does this mean we can still call ourselves lesbians?"
I'm not proud of myself. The fact is, before my girlfriend
mentioned using a dildo I didn't really have an opinion either way
on them, but my reaction was so strong I had to ask myself -
What was this really about?
Relationships are supposed to provide the safe place within
which to explore new things and experiences together, not only that
but to discover new things about who you are as a person; what I
had discovered was not that I was against introducing dildos, or in
fact any sex toys into the bedroom, but rather I had a fear of
trying something different. I had to face the truth: I don't like
change. In fact I hate it, abhor it, rally against it - change is
evil. It upsets the precious equilibrium of life.
On the one side are things I know I like - coffee, football and
doughnuts and on the other are bad things - being too cold, being
too hot, lifts… And while it may make me rather boring and
predictable, if I'm happy, then who cares? My girlfriend, that's
who and in the land of Coupledom, that's when the problems tend to
arise. In a relationship, thinking solely of your own needs and
wants usually doesn't bode well.
My girlfriend had honestly expressed a desire to explore using a
dildo, which to her and many other women is simply an instrument of
pleasure. My objection to changing it up a little not only pissed
my girlfriend off, it also limits my experience of the world. Right
off the bat I was cutting myself off from the unknown and untried
because of a few unacknowledged personal prejudices and fears. So
what if I tried something only to discover I don't like it? How
about staying open to the possibility of trying something and
finding the experience amazing?
I at least owed it to my girlfriend to talk to her sensibly and
honestly about my feelings. She reassured me that she was indeed
still lesbian, that a dildo in no way is a substitute for a missing
"real" male member and that she loved and fancied me just as much
as always. We are both still be lesbians - an appandage down there
doesn't change the fact that we're both still women. She just
fancied an addition to our usual sexual repertoire. Sometimes she'd
wear it and sometimes it would be me doing the belting up and
buckling off. Phew!
That's why I'm sitting here, as I type wearing a strap on dildo
(purple - the girlfriend's favourite colour) with a harness
with the wonderful name Mystique (name choice mine, not
compulsory). "Why?" you may ask. Well, strap-ons take practice and
I've already knocked over the glass of water by our bed with it
twice. Plus, when I really thought about it the idea of using a
strap-on it actually turned me on.
So to all ladies out there don't be afraid of introducing
something different like "phallic" sex toys into the bedroom -
dildos, vibrators, etc. They can be great fun and they come in all
shapes, sizes and materials. Some even come with attachments!
It's all about freedom of choice and expression - what amuses you,
what turns you on; and everyone is different.
And for those who feel as though your dildos become like your
own "cock", don't worry about it. Just because you fantasise about
feeling like you really have one, it doesn't mean you're actually a
chap. For those who see it as a slightly better finger substitute -
there's no shame in that either. Every woman has the right to
explore all forms of sexual pleasure and expression whether its
full-on role play or simple sensual fun; it's a positive act which
should not go unacknowledged. Now pass me the lube.
