Out of the blue, over a cheese board, a straight friend of mine
suddenly announces, "I'd make a good lesbian." It's easy for her to
say, even with a mouth full of Brie, but I think she's forgotten an
important pre-requisite: women. She's never been sexually or
romantically attracted to women.
I wonder what's prompted this little declaration? This friend
spends lot of time in our company, but you don't become a good
lesbian by osmosis. I only hope it's got nothing to do with
Angelina Jolie. If I had a penny for every straight girl who's
confessed they 'would' with Angelina, well I'd probably have copper
poisoning. Wanting sexy time with Angelina doesn't make you a
lesbian. It just proves you have a pulse.
I fear she may be about to launch Julie Andrews-style into a list
of some of her favourite (stereotypically lesbian) things: cats,
quiche, and quinoa. But liking the same things that lesbians like
doesn't mean you'd make a good lesbian, it just means you have good
taste.
As if reading my mind, she clarifies that she'd make a good lesbian
because she's located her stopcock. I'm a lesbian and I couldn't
tell you what a stopcock was, let alone where to find it. It sounds
like a souped-up version of a chastity belt or a nickname for
Spanx. Being handy about the house doesn't make you a good lesbian.
It just means you're the one digging around under the stairs for a
masonry nail, while your partner's watching Come Dine with
Me.
She then begins a five-minute diatribe about how men are to blame
for everything from war and road rage, to the invention of the Kit
Kat Chunky, the need for pedestal mats, and the re-commissioning of
Top Gear. Her conclusion: "We'd be better off without them." It's
compelling stuff and eruditely argued after a few glasses of wine,
but lesbians aren't seeking the complete eradication of the male
species. We just don't want to make the two-backed beast with
them.
"Lesbians are proof that women can survive without men financially
and emotionally. Think about it. It's the ultimate independent
lifestyle." says my friend. She concludes that on that basis there
should be a little lesbian in all women. It's such an impassioned
speech that I decide to make her an 'honorary lesbian'.
She raises her glass, "To the lesbian inside all of us." Hear,
hear.
Follow Sarah on Twitter @rubbishles
