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The Rubbish Lesbian struggles with vet-iquette

This week a trip to the vet prompts a bubbly bathing revelation

Sarah Westwood

Tue, 08 Jan 2013 09:43:48 GMT | Updated 4 years today

Last night I was in the bath and reached out to pet my cat with bubble bath on my hand. She then ran off and started licking herself immediately (she's not a fan of Jo Malone) and now I'm concerned that the bubble bath might have permeated the cat and she's going to become a foaming feline. Obviously I've dashed her to the vets, and now we're in reception about to be seen.
"Name?" I hate this bit. Whose name does she want, mine or the cat's? "Minnie" I respond confidently feeling faintly ridiculous. "Surname?" Oh God I don't know. What is my cat's surname? "Westwood." The nurse looks at me with suspicion. It sounds a bit trampy not to know the surname of the cat you lived with for five years. She offers me a few alternatives from computer, "Yes that's my girlfriend. The name. Not the cat. Obviously." The joke is not well received.
God I've just come out at the vets right there between the catnip cigars and the Science Diet pouches - oh well in for a penny in for a pound. The receptionist continues, "And what appears to be the problem with Minnie?" I'm quite stressed at this point imagining my cat insides expanding with soapy suds, "Well, we were in the bath." A posh woman with a Tibetan terrier puppy stuffed into a Tote looks up. I hurriedly qualify. "My girlfriend and I not the cat." The receptionist is poised to write something but doesn't. I know it's probably not good etiquette to reveal the details of your daily ablutions to a bunch of strangers in the vets reception, but in this case it's vital context.
I tell her there was bubble bath in the bath. It was Morroccan rose bubble bath. She does not take note of this. I sense she's still waiting patiently for the answer to her original question. I get to the bit where I touched the cat with bubble bath, and my theory that there was transference of bubble bath so now I'm worried that the cat has ingested some Moroccan rose bubbles by proxy.
The receptionist is looking down at her keyboard and typing. I can't see her expression but I can sense that she's stifling a laugh. She summarizes, "Minnie exposed to bubble bath." Once it was out there I realised how far fetched it sounded. My little lesbian bathing revelation has been trumped by the fact that a grown adult could think a few bubbles would poison a cat. Clearly when you ask ridiculous questions sexuality takes a back seat to stupidity.



Check out Sarah's column in DIVA magazine each month and follow her on Twitter if you wish: @rubbishles


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  • Louise Carolin - Tue, 08 Jan 2013 10:54:05 GMT -

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    My cat has suggested that you deserve a special award for cat concern, Sarah. She once accidentally joined me in bath full of bubbles and it didn't occur to me to rush her to the vet. I did chase her round the flat, naked, clutching a towel, after she leapt out tho. The speed of the chase dried her off before I got her with the towel. In other news, my gf is accompanying us on a trip to the vet tomorrow. So I'll be coming out to my vet too! I'm excited, since I haven't found an excuse to reveal my orientation to them yet and I do like to be out in all areas of my life...