I wasn't very good at being straight, which is why I was
relieved when the penny finally dropped and I realised I was a
lesbian. Unfortunately, through time, I've realised I'm not really
a very good lesbian either. I hope it's not just me!
1. Sports
Lesbians are champions when it comes to getting down with the
great outdoors, reclaiming traditionally male activities as their
own and thinking nothing of it. Be it football, basketball or
rugby, there's guaranteed to be at least five to ten lesbians on
every sports team, chortling away about the disastrous scrum, or
eagerly regaling each other with the highlights of last night's
football bash. If you're anything like me however, then you're more
likely to be sat indoors, reading a nice book; something
unfathomable to the sporty lez.
A friend tried to fix me once. "Just come to one training
session," she said. "It'll be fun," she said. I almost considered
it for a hot minute, but memories of PE lessons at school have
caused irreparable damage, so I told her I didn't know where the
sports hall was. I still don't, to be honest. Who's with me?
2. The L Word theme tune
While it cannot be knocked that a vast number of the ways that
we live and love do feature in what is only a 30 second intro, it
doesn't stop it from being a rubbish song. And they missed out
'bitching.' Hardly representative.
3. Camping
Ah, camping. A weekend under the stars, getting back to nature,
sitting round a bonfire and roasting marshmallows, all in the name
of fun. A weekend of waking up with soaking wet feet, an
inexplicable number of mosquito bites and eating flattened
sandwiches, more like. Why anyone would actively endorse an
activity that requires sleeping on the ground with only a thin
sheet of plastic between you and ten thousand insects - for FUN -
is beyond me.
Girls, I admire your ability to still have a great time even
without internet access, but it's just not for me.
4. Chinos
Lesbian fashion in general might to some, not really seem very
"fashionable," but those people might just be jealous of our
uniquely strong sense of style. I always give lesbians the benefit
of the doubt now regarding their clothing choices, and that is
definitely not a result of finding myself to be no less than the
fourth girl in the gay bar to be wearing the same shirt on the same
night.
But chinos are one thing that I can't get behind. Maybe I don't
have enough swagger. Or any swagger. I just don't know. What I do
know, however, is that when I get up in the morning I don't want to
look like the sixth member of One Direction. But perhaps that's
just me.
5. Skateboarding
Lesbians on skateboards always look super cool and really hot,
gracefully gliding along the road, always wearing a tiny tank top,
matched with a sexy smirk. Thinking that mastering this skill would
give me a one-way ticket into credible lesbianism - and really, how
hard can it be? - I bravely stepped onto my girlfriend's skateboard
only for the ground to actually (I swear!) disappear beneath me,
thus earning itself the title of Most Terrifying Two Seconds Of My
Life.
Now when I see girls on skateboards, I respect their advanced
spatial awareness skills and not their abs. An unlikely route into
feminism, but there we go.
