I'd been through the scenario in my head so many times but
nothing had prepared me for the experience. I'd never even met a
gay person before, apart from Christo, but she was bisexual and
that didn't count. I'd certainly never stepped inside a Gay Bar and
ordered a drink.
I took the bus. It was a number 10 - one of the new
environmentally friendly ones that are gas powered and have
realtime announcements. They had been launched just weeks before. I
felt progress embedded within the fabric of its seat covers and
knew that it was a powerful metaphor for my own progress.
I took out my Nokia and typed out a short message to Christo. As I
hit send I felt the anticipation rocket through my blood like a
shot of strong espresso.
Finally, I alighted from the bus, taking care to mind the gap and
gather all of my belongings. My excitement was so great that I
sprinted the last few metres to the Gay Bar.
I got there and I pushed and pushed at the door for what felt like
an eternity but it wouldn't open for me. Was it because I was
straight, which I totally am?
"What could be the problem here?" I asked myself. I had no answer
and was literally clueless, with the exception of a number of
clues. The door was brick patterned and seemed possessed of no
That's when I saw her.
She was looking at me, with her eyes. Her image literally burned
itself onto my retina for all eternity and at that moment the
clouds floated across the sun turning the sky dark and foreboding,
like a large, moody vagina.
I started to tremble and was aware of her examining every inch of
my body, like she had x-ray eyes from the future.
Then she spoke.
To read the rest of Jacq Kelly's brilliant spoof, buy
the September 2012 issue of DIVA.
Buy the September issue here at divadirect.co.uk
Follow Jacq on Twitter: @jacqkelly