A leaked government memo found left casually as if by accident
on my desk at work this morning suggests that plans are underfoot
to allow gay men and lesbians to switch to a new, previously
This sounds-almost-too-good-to-be-true news apparently comes
after a radical rethink of monetary policy by "gay-friendly
According to the handwritten memo, gays and lesbians will be
able to join an official register from January in order to switch
to the new, probably sparkly, fur-trimmed currency in time for the
April 1 deadline. Bisexuals are expected to be eligible for 50 pink
pence to the "straight pound".
According to my trembling calculations, the news represents an
incredible windfall for lesbians and gay men. The UK's pink pound
has been recently estimated at a staggering £6 billion, meaning a
lesbian worker currently taking home £25,000 "straight pounds" per
annum could earn an even more staggering £1,500,000,000,000,000,000
per year, or something in that region.
"This is probably the best news I have ever heard," said my
lesbian flatmate, Sue Green, when she received my excited call at
11am today. "At last I can afford that nice suede sofa I've had my
eye on. In fact I'm going to order it now, and a case of the
world's most expensive non-refundable champagne!"
Members of the heterosexual community whom DIVA reached for
comment on this breaking news remained in denial at 1pm today. "You
gullible twit," said my father, speaking from Leeds. "Someone's
pulling your leg, you idiot."
(Additional reporting by Ralph. Thanks, Ralph.)