A vicious new epidemic of the well-known lesbian ailment Lesbian
Bed Death has been reported in the United Kingdom, DIVA can
The gradually-developing disease, which is known to affect all
lesbian couples who have been together in a sexual relationship for
more than six months, has never ever ever been known to occur in
heterosexual relationships, hence the name: Lesbian Bed Death. It
has been suggested that the disease is caused by an absent penis
and attached male sex drive.
Symptoms include (but are not limited to) dizziness,
irritability, bloating, a desire to watch Newsnight with a good hot
cup of cocoa and loss of sexual desire.
Now new information just in suggests that the debilitating
illness may have crossed over into the heterosexual community.
"I can confirm that a heterosexual male presented at my surgery
earlier this week showing clear symptoms of LBD," Dr Lorna Bits
told DIVA five minutes ago. "He told me that sexual relations with
his wife, a woman, had 'dropped off' recently," Dr Bits continued.
"He thought perhaps it was because they were a bit tired and
stressed out due to work and other commitments, but I informed him
that what he was experiencing was in fact Lesbian Bed Death."
Other heterosexual patients have also been reported exhibiting
similar tell-tale symptoms around the UK, in such disparate
locations as Bristol, Glasgow and Brighton. The bizarre
geographical data and the swift spread of the disease have prompted
some medical experts to wonder if the shocking ailment has been
spread to the previously highly sexually-driven heterosexual
community by an extremely promiscious bisexual female, probably one
with access to a car. This purely hypothetical woman has been named
An emergency Hetero Boudoir Apathy Team (HBAT) has been formed
to deal with this alarming public health crisis.