Local lesbian Sandy Williamson, 32, caused controversy in her
immediate vicinity earlier this morning when the tall brunette
"came out" about her luke-warm feelings towards the popular
The furore kicked off at approximately 8.35am GMT at Sugar Buns,
a humorously-named café with seating for eight which is reportedly
popular with members of the local LGBT community.
According to café owner Stu Potter, regular customer Caz
Winklepicker had been regaling fellow patrons with a health update
about her ailing moggy, Radclyffe, thought to be named after the
author of lesbian classic The Well of Loneliness.
"Caz was telling us what the vet had said about Radclyffe's
ingrown toenail," Potter explained to this reporter and two
initially interested café patrons following the incident.
"Basically she'd noticed that Radclyffe seemed to be favouring her
right front paw. She wasn't limping exactly," he continued, "but
Caz noticed something was amiss. So she took Radclyffe to the vet
to have her looked at. I don't blame her; I would have done the
same. Cat's toes are very delicate instruments."
At this point Potter, himself the owner of two tabbies and a
poodle, spoke for a further twenty minutes about the vet visit,
eventually getting to the point. "Once Caz had given us the full
update, she must have realised she was monopolising the
conversation and made a token effort to involve Sandy by asking her
how many cats she had. And, you know, it's fair to say that none of
us were prepared for what followed."
Witnesses report that when asked a direct question about her
attitudes to cat ownership, Williamson had "shrugged".
"She said she 'had no interest' in owning a cat," said
openly-bi-curious onlooker Sue Bollard. "Then she said she 'wasn't
that fussed' about cats. I couldn't believe what I was hearing,
actually. Look, I'm still shaking!"
"The ancient bylaw that required all lesbians in this region to
own at least one cat was in fact overturned in the 1980s,"
acknowledged Buns patron and local historian Lydia Shoeman, "so
there have been lesbians in this area in the last few decades who
have made the decision to eschew cat ownership. But to not have
strong feelings of adoration towards cats generally... well,
there's something really wrong there. To be honest, I pity
In the wake of the revelations, mildly-traumatised Sugar Buns
owner Stu Potter has begun a collection for Radclyffe, who is
currently recovering at home. The whitish-blackish four-year-old of
indeterminate breed is reportedly 'in good spirits'.
If you have been affected by the
subject matter raised in this story, please call our hotline or
google pictures of cute cats for the rest of the afternoon until
calm feelings are restored. We certainly will be.
PHOTO BY CLOUDZILLA