An incredibly powerful same-sex orientated super computer,
dubbed a "lezputer" by techno-jargon experts, has today calculated
the perfect lesbian news story, according to reports.
The ideal news story would feature some combination of actress
and musician Heather Peace, comedian and TV presenter Sue Perkins,
a worthy, preferably LGBT-related cause, nudity of some kind and a
cat, the highly-complex computer calculated. Sadly, this news story
seems destined never to reach fruition, as the likelihood of Sue
Perkins' cat going topless while recording a charity single with
musician Peace has been calculated by bookies William Hill at
Predictably enough, Sue Perkins' cat (if indeed Sue Perkins even
owns a cat) refused to take my calls on the matter this afternoon,
which really hurt my felines.