What does intimacy mean to you?

It’s a closeness; a bond between two people who trust each other. And it’s definitely not based on sex.

Are you intimate with your friends?

Absolutely! My close friendships are all very intimate and they’ve developed quite naturally. I’ve been single for a while now and have had only one relationship I would call intimate – that was with another woman.

Have you used sex to avoid intimacy?

Yes – it was depressing. I had low self-esteem and I was using sex as a tool to try to get people to like me. I was seeing men then and never felt there was much intimacy. The only time I felt ok about myself was when I was with another woman. Back then I thought sex was intimacy, because that’s what life had taught me. We have been mentally conditioned to think that intimacy is all about sex, whereas in fact sex is the smallest part of intimacy.

Is trust a fundamental part of being intimate with someone?

Totally. Trust is a huge issue for me. Once I do feel I can trust a person, that’s when I start to reveal myself in conversations. I’m then able to have those kind of intimate conversations and moments with friends and lovers.

What makes you feel safe enough to trust someone?

Honesty. I need to feel that they are being honest about who they say they are. That they are coming from a place of love and not fear. I just want them to be themselves because it allows me to be myself.

Not being judged is important too, yes?

Absolutely, my friends accept me as I am. And I am blessed to have attracted women who feel okay with themselves too. I don’t like the idea that I have to change something about myself in order to satisfy another person.

Some of us avoid intimacy due to earlier damaging co-dependent relationships. Is this your experience?

Yes. Co-dependency affects our adult relationships because we avoid acknowledging and expressing our true feelings and emotions. If you can’t be honest about what you feel, then you really can’t have intimacy – with yourself or with others.

So how are you intimate with yourself?

I go on ‘dates’ with myself. I write in my journal. I take myself out to dinner. Once you can share yourself with yourself, it becomes easier to do that with someone else.

How can women develop a closer relationship with themselves?

Society teaches us to look outside of ourselves for support and strength. We need to look within. I recommend regular journal writing. This helps you access your feelings and emotions. If you are not feeling so good about yourself, you will attract people who reflect that. Secondly, I recommend spending time alone. My motto, is if I can’t be good company by myself, I can’t be good company for someone else, can I?

What are the signs that you can trust someone?

Notice how you feel when you’re around that person. If they make you feel uplifted and happy – they are usually good for you!

And the danger signs?

We can allow our mind to override our body – which is giving us warning signals. Listen to those gut feelings. If I start to feel down, drained and angry around a person, that’s not someone I want to hang around with.

What are the benefits of being intimate?

People come into my life to teach me something, I’ve learnt more about myself through them. When you allow yourself to be intimate you can learn a lot about yourself. I get to share myself and I grow on a personal level.

We tend to think that happiness and intimacy are things we have to find outside of us. Really they are inside. We already have them! A person who is happy and comfortable with themselves will find you.

Read more about intimacy in the current issue of DIVA magazine, on sale now.


Useful Books and Links

Co-dependence – The Dance of Wounded Souls – Robert Burney joy2meu.com

Fear of Intimacy – Robert W Firestone

The Seven Levels of Intimacy: The Art of Loving and the Joy of Being Loved Matthew Kell

The Dance of Intimacy – Harriet Lerner harrietlerner.com

The Dance of Anger – Harriet Lerner harrietlerner.com

Co-dependent No More – Melody Beattie