This week will just fly by for Arians lucky enough to work as pilots. For the rest of you, it's going to drag like Barry Humphries.

Taurus is an earth sign, which may explain why you enjoy nothing more than rolling up your sleeves and getting out there in the garden. Admit it, you'd like to be elbow deep in rich, stinky manure right now, wouldn't you Taurus?

Buying DIVA will be an absolute treat for you again this week, Gemini. Best not to lick the cover on public transport this time though.

A good woman is hard to find, Cancer, especially when she's hiding from you because you've started to creep her out.

You are one of the greatest people alive, Leo, and I mean that sincerely. You freaking rocked in Titanic.

Charity begins at home, dear Virgo. My home. Please send money; I'm hankering for a new chaise longue.

The sky is the limit this week for Librans who are lucky enough to be pilots. Yes, I know, it's more or less the same as the Aries 'scope. I'm not really 'feeling it' today, Libra.

Beware egg sandwiches, Scorpio! A vengeful chicken lies in waiting!

How many chucks can a woodchuck chuck, Sagittarius? This week you will discover the answer.

Your identity will be stolen by a horny thief this week, Capricorn, and it'll really get your goat.

You're so tall and statuesque and marvelous Aquarius. Oh, no, my bad- I was looking at the hatstand.

You'll laugh until you cry and soil yourself at the company picnic this week, Pisces. Or is this just my passive-aggressive way of telling you we don't want you there?