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DIVA Horoscopes

Aries (21 Mar-19 Apr)

Step out of your comfort zone and try a new look this week, Aries. Shave thoroughly. Cover self in Post-It notes. Who knows, you might find that some women find you more a-peeling.

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Taurus (20 Apr-20 May)

Valentine's day is coming, Taurus, but I'm guessing you don't care. Well, you might be in for a surprise on the 14th. Consider this a 'save the date'.

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Gemini (21 May-21 Jun)

Happiness is not at the bottom of a bottle, Gemini. It's at the bottom of a big bag of cookies and a tub of ice cream. Possibly. Worth taking a look, anyway. Let me know what you find.

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Cancer (22 Jun-22 Jul)

You've always wanted to write horoscopes, haven't you Cancer? No? God, I'm terrible at this!! Have you always wanted to be a painter? What? No? I give up. Which leads neatly to today's moral: NEVER give up.

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Leo (23 Jul-22 Aug)

I've got three words for you Leo. Legs. Eggs. Over. Too cryptic? How about: Loss. Emptiness. Obsolete. Yeah, you'll take those legs and eggs now, won't you? Clever girl.

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Virgo (23 Aug-22 Sep)

Virgos have infectious laughs and, sadly, infectious tonsils. Get into bed with a bag of oranges and some garlic and you'll feel better in no time. Probably won't be getting any sexy action, however, not that Virgos care about that sort of thing.

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Libra (23 Sep-23 Oct)

I once had my heart broken by a Libra, and my bike lock picked too. I am not one to hold a grudge, however. Coincidentally, it's going to be a pretty bad week for Libras. No matter how hard you try to watch out for dog poo on the footpath outside the supermarket, you're going to step in it on Friday.

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Scorpio (24 Oct-21 Nov)

A cold rain. A wild wind. Three maidens in pink dresses. A burning wheel. Grey roses, wilting like death itself in the winter sun. This is going to be the worst wedding ever, Scorpio.

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Sagittarius (22 Nov-21 Dec)

ERROR 404: Sagittarius is currently experiencing a minor glitch, but will be back online next week. In the meantime, consider searching for some satire on this site or buy a copy of DIVA and consume with a grilled cheese sandwich and a cool glass of whatever you like.

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Capricorn (22 Dec-19 Jan)

If you're reading this, Capricorn, please RT the tweet that alerted you to this or comment on the Facebook page. Even psychic psychos need some love, right? Thanking you in advance.

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Aquarius (20 Jan-18 Feb)

Aquarius, Aquarius, quite contrary, how does your garden grow? A good week to get back to nature, I think. If you don't have a garden, perhaps buy a bag of manure and thrust your hands into it. Sorry, I've no idea where that came from.

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Pisces (19 Feb-20 Mar)

Is there anything more exhilarating than a trip to the ocean, Pisces? Especially for you, I expect. Make time to visit the sea this week and tip those toes of yours into the icy water (just the edge of the icy water... don't actually go in over your ankles). The cold you get as a result of this should give you plenty of time to stay in bed and think about your plans for the future.

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